Snake's Blood
by Nevervana
Summary: AU. Six years ago, they escaped: Orochimaru's sickest and most precious experiments. Now serving the Hidden Leaf, one tiny, broken family tries to do what it can with what little it has. But chains of blood are difficult to break...INDEFINITE HIATUS
1. Enter: Zatta Azami!

Disclaimer: Why the hell would I be writing a _fanfic_ for it if I owned it?

(A/N): PLEASE READ! NO, SERIOUSLY! **READ!** Canon character's dialogue will more often than not be taken almost directly from the show, which, as stated above, _is not mine!!_ It'll start off confuzzling, but don't worry. It'll become clear quick enough. Just be sure to read thoroughly (difficult, I know :)), or else it won't make any sense later on.

I'll also just get it out of the way that I don't have anything personal against Sakura; it just so happens that her personality conflicts completely with my main character's. Also, none of these characters are based off of me if anyone wanted to know. And yes, Azami is _supposed_ to come across as an arrogant little bitch. She's twelve. Most twelve year olds are like that. Now let's get this show on the road!

(A/N the 2nd) yeah...reposting this. Don't ask. Long story.

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"YOU'VE CROSSED THE LINE THIS TIME, NARUTO!"

"WHEN I GET MY HANDS ON YOU…!"

Naruto could hardly run he was laughing so hard.

He quickly pressed himself against a wooden fence and, before the Chuunin on his tail could notice, held up a camoflage sheet. The two green vested mendarted past him, and the blond lowered his disguise, roaring with obnoxious laughter. This was his masterpiece - he had woken up at three a.m. to carry out the plan. He glanced back up at the great stone faces and smirked.

_'**So** worth it...'_

()()()()()()()()()()()

_**BREEP! BREEP! BREEP! BREEP! BRE-**_

"SHADDAP!"

Zatta Azami sat up in a tangle of blankets, snatched up the blaring black rectangle from **hell** by her headboard, and flung it viciously against the opposite wall. The accursed beeping had stopped, at the price of a black dent in the plaster and, more than likely, a future lecture from her older sister when she found out, but at least the daily horror was over.

The twelve year old moaned and flopped back onto her pillows. The sun was up, the birds were chirping, people were chatting and laughing out on the streets of Konoha, and all seemed bright and cheerful in the world.

"Ugh...morning...not worth it...""

"Azami!"

Azami, who had just been in the process of twisting around and attempting to become one with her mattress, froze and looked askance at the bedroom door, threatening it with her eyes to stay closed _or else._ She held the edges of the pillow over her ears and started up a hopeless mantra: "Ignore her, ignore her, ignore her, ignore her, ignore her, ignore her, ignore her, ig – "

The door banged open.

"Crap." Preparing for the battle to come, Azami latched her fingers around the aesthetic bars on her headboard.

"Azami, its morning. Wake up."

"Mrph."

"Azami, I'm not screwin' around today. Up."

"_Mrrrrph._"

"Oh, for the love of – _Get. Out. Of. Bed!_"

Azami tightened her grip on the bars as her sister's perpetually cold, pale hands grasped her ankles and gave an almighty tug.

"_**Mghrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrph!"**_

The sororal tugging match lasted about thirty seconds, before the elder let go and threw up her hands with an exasperated yell.

"GAH! I don't have time for this, you little freak! Now get the hell up before you lose your bed privileges!"

Azami blinked, and turned to look skeptically at her sister from under one elbow.

"…I have bed privileges?"

"Not for long if you don't get your lazy ass in gear," snapped the nineteen year old. Azami screwed up her face, then rolled her eyes, then groaned theatrically and rolled slowly off her bed.

"Man, you suck, Atsuko," she whined. Atusko scowled sarcastically.

"Yeah, yeah, I'm the most horrible, evil, wretched big sister in the universe, aren't I?"

"Glad we're on the same page," grunted Azami. Atsuko rolled her black eyes good naturedly.

"Just get ready for school. Your final exam is tomorrow, you can't miss the last day of review." Azami grumbled irritably as she stumped past her sister towards the bathroom, earning herself a chuckle and a rub on the head.

Despite the fact that Zatta Atsuko was the head of the Konoha Weapons Department, the apartment in which she and her siblings lived wasn't exactly what one would call "luxurious". Several floor tiles shifted under Azami's bare feet as she walked into the bathroom, and as she picked up her fraying toothbrush and twisted the tap for the cold water, she mentally began counting to twenty: the time it would take for the rust to clear out of the water so that she could wet the toothbrush.

Azami dully watched herself prepare for the day in a spotty, slightly cracked mirror. In accordance with her daily routine, she started making faces at her reflection for no other reason than she didn't feel like doing anything productive. She leaned in close and stared curiously into her own eyes: pale powder blue, and centered with vertical pupils. Like a snake's. Like father's…

She shook her head to clear away the old memories that drifted like fog towards the forefront of her mind. She was fully jerked out of her reverie by a fist pounding against the bathroom door.

"Hey, Azami! Other people gotta use the bathroom too ya know!" she snorted and grabbed her hairbrush from its spot on one of the medicine cabinet shelves, then wrenched the door open. Standing in the doorway was her seven year old brother, Dokueki.

Azami and Dokueki were the only two of the Zatta siblings that looked much of anything alike: they had the same sideswept black hair and similar copper-toned skin, and though Dokueki's eyes were yellow-green in color, they shared Azami's vertical pupils. Atsuko, on the other hand, was brunette, with a skin pigmentation comparable to paper and sleepy, almond shaped black eyes.

There were other subtle differences between the three that often brought about suspicion that they were even siblings. differences in facial features, for one: like Atsuko's wide, almost lipless mouth in comparison to her younger brother and sister's full, normal ones, or her long, thin nose and Azami's sharp ski-jump. The freakish tongue that dokueki was fond of sticking out at those who slighted him, or Atsuko's fangs, or the the white oval birthmark in the middle of Azami's forehead.

Not that many people knew about the birthmark, as it was usually hidden under the dark grey beanie that she had had since...pretty much forever: just Atsuko, Dokueki, the Old Fart (her own charming nickname for the Sandiame Hokage), Auntie Anko, and, as the twelve year old had gleaned from past "unintentional" eavesdroppings; a few select members of the ANBU Black ops. It was one of the many things things that made her family, as Atsuko put it, "unusual."

Having spent the majority of her childhood with her head in the clouds, Azami had only recently begun to realize what her sister meant. People glowered at them when they walked down the street, or looked away pointedly, or downright turned around and went the other direction when they saw them. Once she had seen an injured shinobi drop his crutch on the sidewalk and fall over, and when her elder sister had reached down to help him up, the man had gasped in horror and scuttled backwards.

Atsuko said that people "didn't know what to think" of their family. To Azami, it was becoming pretty clear that they knew _exactly_ what they thought; and that it was nothing particularly flattering.

The girl snorted as she returned to the present and pushed the seven year old boy out of her way, snarling "Shove over, brat!"

"_Heeeeey!_"

Azami laughed loudly over her shoulder and vanished into her room. And promptly froze when she saw the Hokage monument outside the window…

Twenty minutes later, a maroon wind seemed to gust through the tiny kitchen, grab a piece of toast and full backpack in one movement, and gave Atsuko a brief one armed hug before blowing out the door with a shouted "Okayseeyabye!"

For a second after the front door slammed shut, Atsuko didn't move, staring with a bemused expression after her sister. She looked over at Dokueki, who had a piece of toast hovering halfway to his mouth. They blinked at each other, then shrugged almost in unison. _'I should probably be taking it as a bad omen that she's actually that eager to get to school…'_ thought the nineteen year old worriedly.

()()()()()()()()()()()()()

Azami pelted down the streets, looking up every chance she got to take a gander at the now very…colorful…Hokage monument. _'He did it! Crimony, I can't believe he actually freakin' did it!'_

Her maroon hoodie, obviously designed for someone at least three sizes beyond her, was plastered to her narrow frame from her own slipstream, khaki shorts barely poking out from under it. The tape that she had hastily wound around her left leg was loose and chafing slightly: she could redo it in the bathroom when she got to school. For the moment, congratulating Naruto was priority one.

()()()()()()()()()()()()()

Atsuko calmly locked the front door of the apartment, Dokueki standing quiet and diligent behind her.

"Ready to go?" she said. The boy nodded happily.

"Mhm."

The two stepped out onto the street, and almost instinctively Atsuko drew her brother close with a hand on his shoulder, a now subconscious movement to shield him from the glares that were sent their way. Except that for once, all eyes were otherwise occupied. Confused, wondering what could possibly be drawing away the usual unwanted attention, she followed the gazes up, up towards the Hokage monument - only to find that it seemed to have been given a rather unflattering paint job.

Atsuko did a facepalm, while Dokueki doubled over howling with laughter. She gave the seven year old a good whack upside the head.

()()()()()()()()()()()

"Alright, everyone, take your seats," called Umino Iruka, not even looking up from the roster as he walked into his classroom. "I just need to call roll, and then we can get started."

Had the young chuunin looked up, he would have seen fifteen or so oddly dressed twelve year olds gaping at him incredulously. As he began rattling off names, ("Aburame Shino?" "Here.") Azami twisted in her seat to face the two spaces behind her, which were occupied by Akimichi Chouji ("Present.") and Nara Shikamaru.

"Psst! Hey, guys!" she hissed "You think he really hasn't noticed the graffiti?" Shikamaru snorted.

"How could he not?" the pineapple head muttered. "He's probably just trying to act normal and keep everyone from making a big deal out of it and wasting class time. Typical teacher, he's such a drag."

Just then, a second chunnin entered the classroom at a dead run.

"Iruka-sensei! We have a problem!" The scar nosed young man raised his eyebrows, looking a bit testy.

"Uh, Mizuki, you _do_ realize that I'm in the middle of calling roll, don't you?"

"Well then, let me save you some time – Naruto isn't here."

"What?!"

Several students looked at each other, and rolled their eyes. Shikamaru sighed. "Then again, I've been wrong before." The inevitable gossip started rippling like a tiny, annoying breeze up and down the rows while Mizuki explained the situation to Iruka.

"Everybody stay put!" Iruka shouted on his way out the door. "Sasuke, you're in charge till I get back. Just wait there!"

There was a second's confused silence, broken when Azami snorted and leaned back in her seat. "Crimony, why'd he have to put Pinfeathers of all people in charge? Now we can't even enjoy our free time."

The female reaction was immediate – and not just a little frightening.

"Don't call him Pinfeathers!"

"What's wrong with you anyway?"

"How dare you insult my future husband?!"

"_Your_ future husband?! _Excuse_ me?"

"_You wanna go?!_"

"Ooh, bring it on, girlfriend! _Bring. It. On!_"

"All of you shut up," the shrieking harpies quieted as instantly as they had started up at the sound of their eye candy's voice. Sasuke, as usual, was sitting perfectly still, staring straight ahead over laced fingers. "You're giving me a headache," he continued under his breath.

"Sorry Sasuke-kun!" the girls all squealed in unison, dissolving into airheaded giggles. Haruno Sakura turned to look at Azami and scowled down at her. Her glare was returned by a set of lazy, half lidded blue eyes. While all the girls had been leaping to their heartthrob's defense and crowding around to scream at her, the maroon clad girl had simply sat with her fingers laced behind her head, one foot propped on the edge of her desk, and a haughty, impassive expression on her face, in a (successful) attempt to further incense her peers by stoically ignoring them.

"You know, Azami," the pink haired girl sneered, "I think you're just mad because Iruka-sensei didn't pick you to be in charge." The other girl's eyes shot wide open with incredulity.

"_What?!_" she yelped. Sakura smirked, assuming triumph.

"That's right; I think you're jealous because Sasuke got picked to be the leader because he's better than you!"

Azami blinked in disbelief, and promptly burst out laughing. In a single movement she swept to her feet and placed herself nose – to – nose with the now glowering Haruno.

"Firstly, Billboard-Brow, the only thing Pinfeathers over there is better at than anyone else is acting like he knows everything." at this statement, the Uchiha narrowed his eyes dangerously. "Secondly, you're not really the one to be acting all high and mighty, as the only things you're really good at are squealing like an idiot and rattling off diagrams."

"I do _not_ squeal like an idiot, you're just a total freak!" the pink haired girl screeched angrily. "And you're one to talk about acting like they know everything!" Azami gave a loud bark of laughter.

"Puh-_lease!_" she shouted. She suddenly stood on one foot and raised a pinkie finger next to her cheek, imitating in a high pitched voice _"Ooh, Sa_suke_-kun! _Sit with _me_ Sasuke-kun! You're so _good _at that Sasuke-kun! Can I eat _lunch_ with you, Sasuke-kun? May I lick your _toes_, Sasuke-kun?" Every girl in the class was now looking absolutely scandalized. Most of the boys, on the other hand, were doubled over in silent laughter. "And thirdly, Haruno, I never said anything about wanting to be in charge. It's like my big sister says: those who actually desire power for power's sake are the last ones who should have it. I don't have any issue with not being in charge; just with _him_ being in charge."

At that moment, Iruka stalked in through the classroom door, a flailing, yelling Naruto trussed up and slung over his shoulder like a sack of potatoes. "Alright, everyone, seats!" he shouted, and the drama was over. Once the roll was finished, (surname being Zatta, Azami was called last, and responded with the usual "I'm absent!", which didn't earn as many snickers as usual, with all the girls still mad at her for calling them out) Iruka started laying in to Naruto. Again.

"I'm at the end of my rope, Naruto! You failed the graduation test last time, and the time before that. Tomorrow you've got another chance, and you're messing up again!"

The blonde's only response was a defiant "Hmph!" Iruka smiled evilly.

"FINE! Because _you_ missed it, Naruto, _everyone_ will review the transformation jutsu!"

Azami groaned with the rest of the class, and looked out the window at the painted faces. _'Well, it was fun while it lasted…_

()()()()()()()()()()()()

"Alright, Sakura here, let's do it! Transform!" In a poof of smoke, the pink haired girl was replaced by an exact replica of their teacher. Azami snickered and leaned over to Naruto.

"Yeah, as if one Iruka-sensei wasn't bad enough," she whispered. Naruto cracked a smile; difficult, really, as the entire class was currently glaring at him like a kunai target.

"Transformed into me. Good," Iruka said, scribbling something down on his clipboard.

"Yes! I did it! Yes! Yes! Sasuke, didja see that?" Sakura squealed.

"And I rest my case," Azami said nastily. Sakura stuck her nose in the air and stalked to the back of the line.

"Next!" Iruka called. "Uchiha Sasuke."

The smirking boy stepped forward and, with a second poof of smoke, copied Sakura.

"Ah. Good. Next: Uzumaki Naruto."

"This is a total waste of time, Naruto," muttered Shikamaru.

"We always pay for your screwups!" added Yamanaka Ino.

"Like I care," Naruto muttered, stepping up. Azami gave him a thump on the back, and frowned when she saw that he was smirking. _'Don't tell me he's actually thinking – no. No, not even Naruto is that dim. He wouldn't…not in school… Would he?'_

**POOF!**

"_WHA--?!"_ Azami did a facepalm.

_'He would.'_

"HAHA! GOTCHA!" Naruto laughed. "That's my sexy jutsu!"

Iruka was not amused.

"CUT THE STUPID TRICKS! THIS IS YOUR LAST WARNING!"

()()()()()()()()()()()()()

Azami sighed and plopped down in the grass out front of the Ninja Academy, waiting for her little brother's class to let out. _'Poor guy,'_ she thought, looking up at the scaffold dangling in front of the first Hokage, on which an orange clad figure could hardly be made out. _'That's sorta harsh, making him clean the whole thing by himself. Great prank, though…'_

At that moment, Dokueki came running towards her, waving. Ruffling her little brother's hair, Azami started off, leading the way towards the Weapons Department, where, for once, she hoped Atsuko would be getting off on time.

()()()()()()()()()()()()

"What?! Whadaya mean 'A half hour?" Azami shouted at her sister's back.

"Precisely what I said: I'll be finished in half an hour." Atsuko glanced over her shoulder at her grumpy siblings and sighed. She turned and placed a leather gloved hand on each of their heads. "Sorry you two. The ANBU need new swords and they're really anal about these deadlines, and I spent most of today finishing up the new leaf headbands." The nineteen year old's eyes crinkled upwards with a smile. "I had to take special care with every one, after all. Any one of them could be my baby sister's tomorrow, ne?" Azami wasn't appeased.

"What are you doing making headbands? This is the Weapons Department!" she snapped, arms crossed.

"Hey, somebody had to make them," said Atsuko, shrugging. "Besides, they're technically forehead protectors, which means they fall under protective gear, which is my jurisdiction anyway." Azami glowered flatly at her sister. The older woman sighed and rubbed her temples. "Look, I'll be done soon, just go study or do homework or something in the front."

At that moment, an ANBU poked his stylized rat mask around the door into the sharpening room, where the argument had been taking place. "Hey, Zatta, those swords done yet?" He cut off with a rather girly shriek as Atsuko flung a kunai at his head.

"PISS OFF, RAT! You tryin to tell me how to do my job?!"

"N-no ma'am!" Rat the ANBU squeaked. Azami sighed and slunk over to the corner, pulling out a genjutsu scroll with very little enthusiasm. This always happened; it was always something with Atsuko: always something that would come up to keep her from spending time with her siblings.

'_Freaking typical…'_

()()()()()()()()()()()()

"AZAMI!"

"Wha--?"

"Zatta Azami, you wake up RIGHT NOW!" Azami blinked her eyes open and groaned.

'_Cripes, I'm not even awake and I've already done something to piss her off. This must be a new record…'_

"_NOW, _young lady!"

'_Whoa, she's pulling out the "young lady" card? I really am in for it…'_

"You moron! Have you completely forgotten what day it is?!" Azami groaned in protest as her sister wrenched back the curtains, letting in the morning light.

'_Day…today…what's today…? Something yesterday…study for…tomorrow…exa—'_

"CRAP! THE FINAL EXAM!" The twelve year old vaulted out of bed and gathered clothes for the day off of her floor, trying to ignore her elder sister's shouting.

"You've got like twenty minutes till school starts, what the hell happened to your alarm clock?!"

"Uh -- it's over there," Azami muttered, pointing over at the spot where she had flung her alarm clock at the wall the morning previously. Atsuko scowled blandly as her black eyes traveled from the black dent in the wall and down to the dark box on the carpet. Azami raked her fingers desperately through her hair, before cramming her beanie onto her head.

"'kay, kay, just one more thing! Uuuh…cripes, where'd my leg wraps go?"

"Hm?" Atsuko's eyebrows twitched upward as she looked down next to her feet at a small, haphazard bundle of white athletic tape. She sighed and dipped down to pick them up.

"Lookin' for these?" she drawled. Azami turned, and her eyes lit up.

"My wraps! Hey, thanks, sis!" the twelve year old reached for the cloth in her sister's hand, only yelp in indignation when they were jerked away, dangling over Atsuko's head.

"First," the nineteen year old said coolly, ignoring her sister's frantic hopping up and down in a desperate bid for the finishing touch on her outfit, "What have we learned?" Azami sighed in annoyance.

"Don't take my anger at the sun for rising out on my alarm clock." She droned.

"Now, that wasn't so hard, was it? And I hope you've learned a valuable – hey!" Azami snatched the bandages out of her sister's hand and darted off towards the bathroom, shouting something about needing to brush her teeth. Atsuko rubbed her temples with a long suffering sigh. "Dear sweet Kami, don't tell me I was like that when i was twelve…"

()()()()()()()()()()()()

'_Phew, made it out of the house with time to spare!'_

Azami cackled to herself and munched happily on a banana. Atsuko had shoved it into her hand while she was ushering her out the door. Azami's smile faded slightly at the thought of her sister. _"She didn't say anything before I left. I mean, I'm no wuss, I don't _need _encouragement, but cripes, she could have at least –'_

"Hey, Squirt!" Azami whirled and looked up to see Atsuko leaning out of the kitchen window three stories up. The nineteen year old smirked slightly. "Knock 'em dead."

Azami blinked, then grinned at her sister and gave her a thumbs up.

()()()()()()()()()()()

"We will now start the final exam." Azami glanced over at Naruto in the seat next to her and flashed him a would-be confident grin. He returned it awkwardly. Neither of them was fooling the other -- they each knew how nervous they were. It would have been plain to anyone, just by watching the blonde nip anxiously at his fingernails and the girl reach up to yank her beanie securely over her ears every few seconds. "When your name is called, proceed to the testing room." Azami started up a mental mantra.

'_Anything but clone, anything but clone, anything but clone, pleeeeease anything but clone!'_

"The final test will be on -- the Clone Jutsu."

'_Hell…'_

Naruto gripped miserably at his spiky hair with a whine. Azami thumped her head down on the desk. _'Aw, crimony, I'm no good at that one! It takes too much concentration!'_ She glanced over at her frantic friend. _'Well, at least if we both bomb it we won't be held back alone. But wait!' _

Azami's eyes widened in horror at the sudden thought that struck her.

'_What if only one of us fails? I mean, it would suck for me because Bilboard-Brow and Ino-pig would never let me live it down, but it wouldn't be _too _bad. But what if I pass and Naruto fails? I can't leave him alone here! Maybe if I fail on purpose…but then Atusko would be disappointed in me, and Naruto would probably figure out what I did eventually and that would just make him feel bad! Ooooh, what do I do, what do I do?!'_

"Zatta Azami!" The conflicted twelve year old jerked and looked up to see Mizuki-sensei standing in the doorway to the testing room, holding a clipboard and smiling encouragingly at her. "You're up!" Azami took a deep breath and stood slowly. She looked over at Naruto and flashed him another shaky grin.

"Well," she muttered, "see you on the other side, I guess." She set off down the aisle towards the testing room.

"Hey, Azami!" the black haired girl turned to see Naruto, for once looking serious. Not just serious, actually, but downright grim with determination. "Do your best. Remember: _**Believe**__ it!_" Azami felt a bit of the tension ease off of her heart, and made a face at her friend.

"I thought I made you swear on old man Ichiraku's miso ramen that you would **never say that again** last week." she said lightly. "Don't worry," she added, sobering up a bit. "I will. Same goes for you too though, eh?" Naruto laughed loudly and scratched the back of his head.

"Don't you worry about me, I'll pass for sure!" he practically shouted. Azami grinned at him, then turned and strode towards the testing room with newfound confidence. Maybe this wouldn't turn out so bad after all…

()()()()()()()()()()()()()()

"…"

"…"

"…"

Azami's face was so flushed it actually hurt. She was almost afraid to turn around and look at her -- supposed -- clones. Iruka and Mizuki were both staring at her, incredulous and trying very, very hard not to show the twelve year old how much effort it was taking them not to laugh. And failing miserably.

Slowly, almost painfully, Azami looked over her shoulder.

'_What'd I mess up on this time? Did I leave out appendages? Or…dear sweet kami, don't tell me I forgot to give them clothes!!'_ Inner Azami moaned in dismay and pulled her mental beanie down around her mental ears._ 'I don't think I could take that kind of humiliation!'_

As it turned out, the issue was indeed clothing related, though fortunately not quite on the horrific scale that Azami had initially assumed. The three clones that she had managed to conjure actually succeeded in physically looking very much like her – one's hair was an inch or so too long and another was a bit pale, but nothing fail worthy. The only distinct detail that she had gotten wrong was the hoodie. The largest article of clothing on her entire body. The very distinctly _maroon_ largest article of clothing on her _entire_ body was, on her clones…

"P-p-pur-purple?!" the twelve year old squeaked, pulling the infamous "anime shock-fall **(1)**."

To be fair, the purple was really more of a burgundy; rather close to maroon -- but still. That didn't change the fact that it fell into a whole other section of the color wheel.

Azami giggled awkwardly at the two senseis, blushing furiously.

"Eheheh, heh, he…g-guess purple must really be my color, eh?" she said, abashed. Iruka sighed and picked up one of the headbands from the neat stack in front of him, then threw it across the room to Azami.

"You pass," he said sternly, "but just barely, and only because a simple mix up in color like that could still work on a night mission."

Azami gaped at the curved metal plate in her hands and looked up at Iruka.

'_I -- passed? As in I didn't fail? As in I'm a ninja now? Me…a ninja…really?'_

"SWEET!" the twelve year old cheered, jumping clear in the air and doing an awkward pirouette. She crowed a thanks to Iruka and Mizuki on her way out the door, into the waiting room with all the other new genin. She had passed. Never mind she would probably have the lowest score out of everybody, she had actually passed.

Zatta Azami felt like she could walk on air.

()()()()()()()()()()()()

Zatta Azami felt like absolute shit.

"Sorry, Naruto."

No response.

Azami forced a smile and thumped her friend heartily on the shoulder.

"Aw, cheer up, pal! There's always next year, right? – "

"Listen to 'em,"

Azami blinked at Naruto's cold, flat tone, and followed his miserable gaze over to the laughing group of parents congratulating their children on becoming ninjas. It seemed that none of them even noticed the two oddballs: the failure with no family, and the kid whose only guardian was so frantic to keep food on the table for three people on a single salary that she couldn't come to her own sister's graduation. But, Azami realized, they _weren't_ ignoring them. Several people were casting her and Naruto dirty looks, muttering to each other in what the maroon clad girl supposed they thought were covert tones.

"There, you see them?" one girl was sneering to her friend.

"It's those kids…I heard that boy's the only one who failed, and the kid in the red got the lowest score out of the whole class."

"Hrmph, well it serves them right!"

"Just imagine if that boy became a ninja! I mean, it's bad enough taht she managed it, but he's the one who --"

"Shh! We're not allowed to talk about that!"

Azami narrowed her eyes angrily. She glanced over at Naruto, and found him adjusting those stupid goggles of his. She could tell he was trying to hide tears. They both suddenly jerked and whipped around at the sound of footsteps behind them. A white haired chuunin smiled gently down at the two.

"Hey, Azami-chan," said Mizuki softly, not taking his understanding, brotherly gaze off Naruto. "Is that your sister I see over there?" Azami blinked and looked around to see her elder sister, grinning and panting for breath in the school yard. Her face lit up.

"See ya round, Naruto!" she said brightly, giving him a good whack on the arm. "Let's go for ramen tomorrow, eh?"

"Yeah, alright," the blonde said, still sounding quite glum.

The black haired girl smirked and leaned over to whisper in his ear.

"_My tree-eat!!_" she wheedled in a singsong tone. The blonde seemed to perk up a bit at that. Satisfied with her friend's mood, Azami pelted towards her sister, waving her shiny new headband triumphantly.

Atsuko smelled heavily of hot iron and freshly applied deodorant, and her hair was stuck to her face with drying sweat. Azami felt a surge of happiness at the realization that the older woman had left work early and not even bothered to go home and shower first. For once, this one day, Zatta Azami was at the very top of her big sister's priority list.

"You made it!" the brunette said with a wide grin, playfully yanking Azami's beanie down over her eyes.

"HEY!" the twelve year old shrieked, "What's with the surprised tone?!"

Atsuko laughed loudly. "C'mon, squirt. We're going out to dinner tonight. And Auntie Anko's paying," she added as an afterthought. Azami raised an eyebrow.

"Does Auntie _know_ she's paying?" she said skeptically. Atsuko's eyes went all shifty, the way they always did when she was up to something.

"…She miiiiiiight…"

"_Big sister!!_" Dokueki had just been let out of class, and pelted gleefully across the schoolyard to fling his arms around Atsuko's waist. Atsuko chuckled and rumpled his dark hair affectionately.

"Hey there, shorty. How was your day?"

"Great!" Dokueki pulled a piece of paper out of his pocket and, grinning hugely, handed it to his sister. We got grades today, Big sister! Look!" Atsuko inspected the grade report and a small smile crossed her face.

"Good job, Dokueki. I'm proud of you." She said, petting his head more gently. Azami felt herself chafing at the loss of the limelight.

"Well, ankle-biter, check this out!" Azami said snottily, waving her new headband in her brother's face. "I'm a ninja now, so Ha! I trump your dumb little academy grade report!" for the grand finale she stuck out her tongue and made a victory sign. Dokueki pouted and glared, then suddenly smirked and stuck out his own tongue.

Azami made a face. Atsuko tensed and shuddered: the damp pink muscle was dangling down at the seven year old's chest, wagging back and forth tauntingly.

'_Crimony!' _thought Azami. _'I keep forgetting he can do that!'_

"Dokueki," Atsuko said quietly. "Please put the tongue away." The boy blushed and retracted the organ, but not without a tiny, triumphant smirk at hthe middle child. Atsuko sighed as Azami returned to look with an obnoxious and somewhat grotesque one of her own. "Will you two cut it out?" she said, exasperated. "I swear, there's times I think I can actually_ feel_ my sanity dieing a slow and painful death."

"Heheh, sorry Sis," Azami giggled. The elder rolled her eyes with a smile.

"Let's just go home and wash up for dinner before Anko decides to go to the restaurant without us." Dokueki's eyes positively lit up.

"We're going out?!" he yelled delightedly.

"Yep," said Atsuko cheerfully. "To celebrate Azami's graduation. And because you got such good grades," the young woman smiled indulgently, "you can get whatever dessert you want."

Living hand-to-mouth as they did, the siblings could rarely afford to go out to eat at all, unless it was for something cheap like ramen, and even less frequent than dinners out were desserts. And when they _did _get desserts, they had to get moderately cheap ones. So at the news that he could order whatever with no worries, Dokueki's face almost seemed to be glowing with anticipation.

"Really?!" he cried.

"Of course," Atsuko said with a sly, evil grin creeping across her face. "Auntie Anko's paying for us, after all."

Azami scowled up at her sister. "Aren't you our older sister? Shouldn't you be setting a better example for us than mooching free meals at every opportunity?"

"Do as I say, Azami, not as I do," Atsuko said simply. She didn't even bother hiding her smug smirk.

()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()

"_**Purple?!**_"

"Yeah, that was what I said when I saw them too!"

Azami and Anko were both doubled over the booth table in the restaurant that Anko was (apparently) treating them to, laughing hysterically. Atsuko was massaging her temples irritably, but the smile twitching about the corners of her narrow mouth gave away her amusement. Dokueki wasn't paying much attention to any of them: he was far too immersed in the most expensive sweet dumplings the restaurant had to offer.

"Well, it could have been worse," Anko said, wiping tears of mirth from the corners of her eyes. "You could have made yourself bald, like last time!"

Azami's face heated up immediately. "S-shut up! You promised never to say anything about that!"

Atsuko went form rubbing her temples to full on burying her head in her hands.

'_Why me?'_

()()()()()()()()()()()()()

(A/N): GAAAAAAH! THAT'S IT, I'M THROUGH! I've been writing this for WEEKS!! Weeks I tell you! I'm not going to involve the sibs in Naruto's little incident with the scroll, since as far as I can tell from watching that episode only the chuunin were sent out after him, and Atsuko's a Jounin. I know I didn't actually say that earlier, but she's the head of a department, so it should be obvious. Yeah, reading this chapter through, it wasn't as good as I'd hoped, but it was sixteen pages long, and i was tired, so meh.

Name meanings (forgive any mistranslaions - I _did_ get these off the internet)

Zatta: Miscellaneous/random – will be explained later on

Atsuko: Industrious child – I think its fitting.

Azami: Thistle Flower, symbol of defiance – also quite fitting

Dokueki: venom - for obvious reasons. And if they're not obvious…then no offence but you can't take a hint, can you? :)

**(1):** The anime shock fall - i'm not sure if that's the actual term for it, but you know what i'm talking about. When a character is surprised about someting and just sort of topples over. Yeah, that thing.

Chapters may be slow in coming, depending upon the episode they're about.

Thanks for reading!


	2. My Name is Dokueki!

Disclaimer: still not mine…I'm working on that…

Disclaimer: still not mine…I'm working on that…

(A/N): Ugh…after the first chapter I'm worried that I've created a very time consuming and finger cramping monster. Sigh. Guess I've spent enough time thinking this whole thing out…may as well finish.

Review Responses:

Akukama – thanks, buddy! And P.S. who says there _aren't_ more than three siblings (gasp! Was that a spoiler?!)

Gaarasgirlforever – …not as confused as me…

Potterfan1997 – uuuhhh, thanks, but…wrong fandom, hon…

Generic British Snot – I- I'm really not sure if I should be deeply insulted or laughing my ass off…

Wow, this must be a record: THREE crack reviews for one chapter. I'm so proud.

Aaaanywho, here's chapter two!

/0/0/0/0/0/0/0/0/

Zatta Dokueki was bored. Bored bored bored bored bored. Boooo-rrre-duh. Bordey-ordey-ordey-ordey-ordey-ordey-ordey.

_**Boooooooooooooooorrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrreeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeddddddddddd. **_

He looked down at the floor between his feet and made out a frowney-face in the swirley grains of the floorboards -- boards… Bored – board – bored – board… he wondered if the boards were bored. Maybe they were as bored as he was. Maybe they would come to life and they could talk about how bored they were. Maybe the floorboard's big sister was also in some stupid conference about their Shinobi record and they had been left out in the hall, just like him.

The seven year old was about to smile and wave to his new friend the floor when suddenly a hand appeared in his face, fingers snapping impatiently.

"Hey, Doku, you deaf or something?"

The boy hadn't even managed to fully jerk himself out of his ADHD induced daydream when he was dragged by one arm out of the Hokage Tower and out into the streets by one arm. Attached to said arm, and obviously in a very bad mood, was his elder sister Azami.

"Er…How'd the meeting go, Azami?" he chanced timidly. At seven years old, Dokueki had already figured out what most men didn't manage to get through their skulls until sometime in their late thirties: that saying anything, at all, to an irate woman was pretty much just a bad idea all around. Anything one said could easily touch upon whatever subject it was that had miffed them in the first place, and even if it didn't, they would find some way to twist it to do so.

Yet, despite this knowledge, Dokueki's instincts once again caused him to place his foot in his mouth. And thus did the tirade begin.

"How did it go? _How _did it _go?!_" the boy, having realized his mistake the instant the words had left his mouth, prepared for the onslaught. Azami, pale eyes wide with rage, thrust a file in Dokueki's face. "_Look at this!_ Look at it!" Dokueki was now leaning back, his sister inches from his nose and still waving the file around furiously. There was a second's silence, in which the boy tried to get his eyes to adjust to a short enough range to actually read the words printed just a few millimeters from his eyes, and Azami seethed quietly.

**Ninja Registration Form**

**1: Registration Number – 169856**

**2: Date of Birth – June 1**

**3: Age: 12 Sign: Gemini**

- Was as far as Dokueki managed to get before the file vanished from his line of sight and was replaced with his sister's enraged visage.

"Well?!" she snapped. "Don't you see it?!"

"Er…see what?" the boy asked tentatively. Once again the file was in his face, one of Azami's fingers indicating the photograph of her that adorned one corner.

"_**Right There!**_" she thundered. Dokueki's hair blew back as if caught in a strong wind, and he winced at his own stupidity.

'_Shouldn't have said that, now she's all mad…'_

Then again, there didn't appear to be anything wrong with the photo from where he was standing. It was just Azami, Konoha forehead protector bolted to the front of her grey beanie, (Atsuko had reattached it from the original blue fabric the previous night) grinning somewhat manically with her angular eyes wide and glinting.

Completely normal.

"Uhh…" he said slowly, unsure of what exactly he was supposed to do. Azami huffed in annoyance and jabbed her finger at the photograph's head.

"_There!_ Jeez, are you blind?"

Dokueki inspected the photo once more, one eyebrow raised and a thoroughly perplexed expression on his face. After a second, Azami gave up on Dokueki guessing and pointed at her picture's teeth.

"Right _there_, you dunce. See? There's a bit of cabbage stuck between my teeth."

Dokueki squinted and tilted his head to one side, and sure enough, there it was: a miniscule bit of light green fauna caught between one of Azami's canines and incisors.

"And the old fart won't even let me retake it! Says it's not noticeable enough to waste paper on! Can you believe that? The nerve of some people; acting like he's the boss of me…"

"Um, Az?" Dokueki said tentatively. "He sort of _is_ the boss of you. He's the Hokage, remember?"

Azami flashed her younger brother the "shut-the-hell-up-and-agree-with-me-or-else" glare implemented by females worldwide, and the matter was settled.

"Not bad enough the old cheapskate won't let me get a decent picture on my file," the twelve year old grumbled under her breath. "My one day off this week and I'm stuck _babysitting_ of all the stupid things."

Dokueki would have dearly liked to retaliate, pointing out that this was his day off as well and that spending the day with his crotchety older sister wasn't exactly his idea of a good time either, but he had a feeling that Azami didn't feel like being reasoned with right now, so he left it alone. The girl huffed impatiently and crossed her arms.

"Well, I promised to treat Naruto to lunch today, but it's a little early. Wanna go to the bookstore?" She suggested. Dokueki nodded gleefully: there was a new comic magazine out that he'd been wanting to get his hands on. "Oh, and Dokueki," Azami added, looking a bit downcast. "When we meet Naruto, whatever you do, don't mention the genin exams to him, alright?"

The seven year old blinked. "Why not?"

"Just _don't do it_, okay? Crimony, make me explain everything all the time…" with that she set off again down the street, full speed ahead and still grumbling under her breath. Dokueki gave a forlorn sigh and allowed himself to be dragged along to the magazine stop, resigning himself to a life of unanswered questions whenever it came to his big sister.

/0/0/0/0/0/0/0/0/0/

Dokueki looked up with confused yellow eyes. The black haired boy had been sitting in silence in a corner of the book shop, innocently reading comics, when he heard his sister speaking, her voice peculiarly high pitched and defensive, and two other vaguely familiar voices. One, he could tell by the natural rambunctious tone, was Azami's oddball classmate Naruto, the one they were meeting for lunch.

The other, he noted with some distaste, was the distinctive lisp of the so-called _Honorable Grandson of_ _the Honorable Lord Hokage_; as the kid's fussy tutor Ebisu had so _graciously _informed him when they had challenged each other to a duel a few weeks previously, both of them having recently started at the Academy. Curious as to what business Sarutobi Konohamaru had in a bookstore with his sister and her loudmouthed friend, Dokueki poked his head around a magazine shelf to see his helmet headed academy classmate and the ridiculously orange clad blonde staring in bemusement at his sister.

Azami was sitting in a rather odd position, shielding what looked like a magazine from view by sandwiching it between her own curled body and the wall, her cheeks a rather luminous shade of red with beads of sweat teaming rapidly down her face.

"It's nothing, really! Just drop it, okay?!"

Naruto blinked in confusion. "If it's nothing, then what's the big deal? You know, you sure are acting funny, Az." The blonde tried to peek around her and look at the magazine, but Azami just curled up tighter, yelping wildly.

"I just told you, it's nothing!"

"C'mon, c'mon, lemme see, lemme see!"

Sudden motion out of the corner of his eye tore Dokueki's focus on his sister's odd behavior to the owner of the magazine stop, who was looming menacingly over the two twelve year olds and wielding a mop.

"This is _not_ a library, you brats! OUT!" the man growled, alerting the two elder children, as well as Konohamaru to his presence. The three turned slowly, wearing identically lame innocent smiles. An instant later, the three were being chased out of the shop, dodging mop blows all the way. The storekeeper whirled around at the sound of Dokueki snickering, and steam shot out of his nostrils. "You too, heathen! Out of my store!" Dokueki darted past the man, but not before he managed to get a glimpse of the cover of his sister's magazine. The letters emblazoned across the top spelled out a single word:

_**YAOI**_.

/0/0/0/0/0/0/

"Come ooooon, tell me!"

"No."

"Please?"

"No."

"Pretty please?"

"No."

"Pretty please _with a cherry on top?_"

"_No._"

"Hey, boss," Naruto's attention turned from his glowering friend to his tagalong 'apprentice'. "Who's the broad?"

"Oh, right," grumbled the blonde. "I almost forgot: Konohamaru, this is Zatta Azami. Azami, Konohamaru."

"Zatta…" the child muttered. "Wait a second– "

"Hey, big sis!" the three stopped and looked around, to see Dokueki pounding up the street after them. Konohamaru's eyes narrowed dangerously. The black haired boy caught up and crossed his arms with a furious, glaring pout. "Well done, leave me behind why don't ya?" he snapped. Azami blinked.

"Oh, yeah. Forgot. Sorry 'bout that, squirt." She said, scratching the back of her neck. Dokueki fumed in silence. Suddenly, he noticed Konohamaru, glaring daggers at him from his place next to Naruto.

"Oh….hello, _Sarutobi,_" he said with obvious venom.

"Hello, _Zatta_," the other boy spat back.

Lighting seemed crackle between the boys' well matched death glares. The two older kids glanced at each other and sweatdropped.

"Soooooooo…" said Naruto, after a long, awkward silence that was disturbed only by Konohamaru and Dokueki growling at each other. "Ramen?"

/0/0/0/0/0/0/

"Ooooh, I can't wait I can't wait I can't _wait!_"

"Tenten…"

"This is the best mission we've ever had!"

"Ah, Tenten…"

"Why can't all D-rank missions be this great?!"

"_TENTEN!"_

"_What_ Neji?"

"We're only sharpening old kunai for the Armory. Calm down."

The brunette pouted at her pale teammate. "Killjoy," she grumped.

"Do not be so unyouthful, Neji!" Maito Gai said robustly. "We are, after all, to spend the day assisting the lovely weapons mistress of Konoha, Zatta Atsuko, who holds the position that our dear Tenten hopes to one day reach! Allow your teammate her excitement!"

"Hmph," snorted Neji. Behind the cool Hyuuga, Rock Lee's googly eyes were consumed in determined flames.

'_Today for sure I shall defeat Neji! If I cannot sharpen twice as many weapons as him by noon, I will run one hundred laps around the village!'_

"And here we are!" cried Gai. "The vital Weapons Department headquarters of Konoha, headed by our employer for today, Zatta Atsuko, who – "

"Ahem."

Team Gai whipped around almost as one, to see a very plain, very sleepy looking young woman staring at them bemusedly and holding up a ring of keys.

"You're half an hour early, Gai." She grunted. The bowl headed jounin leapt into his nice guy pose.

"A lovely morning to you, Atsuko-san! We are ready to complete our mission!"

Atsuko's face didn't change. "Uh-huh." She said. "Well, I suppose you can help me set up shop if you really want to. I wasn't planning on you all arriving for a little while." The woman walked calmly past them, rooting through her key ring to separate a smallish gold one from the rest, and unlocking the sliding door that lead inside.

Tenten was gaping. She couldn't help herself. _This _was Zatta Atsuko, the woman who had become a jounin at thirteen years old? This was the fabled weapons expert that she held in reverence under only the great sennin Tsunade herself? This slight, pale, unhealthy looking specimen with deep exhausted bags under her eyes and an outfit consisting of a tank top, green trousers, and beige poncho that looked fresh off the clearance rack…could it really be?

Neji seemed to be thinking along the same lines. "Excuse me," he said, "but who exactly are you?" The woman turned to glance at the pompous genin over her shoulder.

"I'm Zatta Atsuko," she said slowly. "Isn't it obvious? I'm carrying the keys to the Armory, aren't I? Not to mention your sensei _just _said my name." a cruel, sadistic smirk twitched at the corner of the woman's mouth. "Judging by you eyes I assume you're a Hyuuga? You know, it's funny, but I could have sworn I heard that your bunch was supposed to be perceptive…"

She had touched a nerve. Neji snarled and swept into his gentle fist stance, and the tiny smirk on Atsuko's face transformed into a manic grin. There was a tinkling of metal on metal, soft as wind chimes, and the next any of team Gai knew, Atsuko was right up in Neji's space, too close for him to really do much of anything defense-wise, with several of her keys glittering threateningly from where they poked out between her fingers - barely a hair's breadth from the glistening surface of the boy's wide lavender eyes.

"Weirdly enough, I thought that Hyuugas put great stock in formality, as well," Atsuko drawled coolly. "But, what with this horrible etiquette, threatening your employer and all, I'm thinking that I should start double checking my sources."

As Neji growled in rage at being one-upped by a short, drowsy looking woman with a ring of keys, and Gai-sensei muttered a belated suggestion to him about not judging skill by appearance, Tenten felt a smile creep across her face. Yeah, that was definitely Zatta Atsuko.

-/-/-/-/-

"Um, Er, A-Atsuko-senpai?"

The dark haired Weapons mistress "hmmed" and peeked over one shoulder, tearing her eyes away from the dime novel she had been reading to ease the boredom of working the front desk, where shinobi came to pick up new and repaired weapons. Standing behind her was the young pink clad Kunoichi from Gai's team. Tantan or something.

"Done already, kid?"

Wordlessly, the girl pointed through the open doorway to the sharpening room, where, between her odd teammate in the green (who was grinding away at the sharpening wheel with wild fervor) and the Hyuuga boy, (calmly taking his sweet time) was a neat, gleaming pile of flawlessly sharpened kunai knives. Atsuko's eyebrows twitched upwards at the sight.

"Very nice," she commented. "Sorry, I'm awful with this kind of thing. What did you say your name was?"

"I-I'm Tenten, Atsuko-senpai."

'Hah, not far off!' Mental Atsuko did a victory dance. Physical Atsuko got up to inspect the knives closer, picked one up carfully, and made a great show of examining it from every possible angle and humming thoughtfully every few seconds. For some reason this kid seemed intimidated by her, and it was fun to play on that kind of thing sometimes. Maybe a little mean, maybe proof that she spent too much time around Anko and her freak friends from Torture and Interrogation; but still fun. At last, she set the kunai down and grinned.

"Well, Tenten, I have to say: this is one of the best sharpening jobs I've ever seen. Where did you learn to do this?"

The genin flushed at the praise. "I'm training to be a sepon wecialist – I-I mean weapon specialist, senpai. M-my aim with just about any weapon is perfect at this point."

"Ah, yes, Atsuko-san, our lovely Tenten is developing into quite the expert! She was in fact dancing with youthful excitement when she learned the nature of today's mission!" Gai interjected enthusiastically, causing Tenten to blush.

Atsuko grinned slyly. "Reeeeeally now?" Her black eyes scrutinized the younger kunoichi with a gleam of mischief. Tenten gulped and met the elder's gaze, trying to appear as strong and centered as possible. Maintaining good posture was suddenly far more difficult than it ever had been before. "Right!" Atsuko rapped out suddenly, clapping her hands together. "Hyuuga! Jumpsuit Boy! Put those down, we're taking a training break. And _you – _"she slung an arm across Tenten's shoulders and steered the bewildered girl towards the front door "– are going to show me what you've got!"

"But – Atsuko-san!" The department head looked over her shoulder to see the creepy little Gai clone (Lin or something – she _really was_ awful with names) standing at attention and saluting like some kind of commando in spandex.

"Yes?" she prompted. The boy gulped slightly. "What of our mission to assist you today? Should we not train on our own time?" Atsuko raised an eyebrow.

"What, you think I'm gonna dock your pay for taking a break?"

"Of course not, I simply mean to say – "

"Look, kid, do you honestly want to sit around making knives pretty for the rest of the day, or do you want to come outside and have a little fun? Seriously, it's up to you. I've got no issue f you want to stay here."

Neji walked behind the buoyant department head and his slightly wierded out teammate, taking this new development in stride. Lee, obviously confused, stood and made to follow them out of the building.

"Jeez, Gai-san, what have you been doing to these kids? Not even leaping at an opportunity to slack off…" Atsuko looked around at the three genin with theatrical astonishment. "What kind of teenagers are you guys?"

She was answered with three silent, confused stares. The nineteen year old sweatdropped.

"Oooookaaay, forget I asked…" she said slowly. "Just…come on. I've got sort of a reputation as a bad influence and child corruptor, so if anyone chews you out for not working you can blame me. SHOU!" The only member of Atsuko's force who had actually bothered to show up that day (hence the needed help from the genin squad) poked his bespectacled face around the doorframe, eyebrows raised in question. "Man the front desk for me, will ya?" said Atsuko. "We're going out for a bit."

/0/0/0/0/0/0/0/0/0/

Azami had happily finished her bowl of beef ramen by the time Naruto was done with his second and well into the third. She noted with some gloom the lack of weight in her pocket, where once had been a bulging coin purse. She had anticipated paying for several bowls, knowing her orange garbed compadre, and her sister had even thrown in a few extra bills to pay for her brother on their day out on the town. But what neither the nineteen year old armaments expert nor her beanie headed sibling could have foreseen the involvement of the Honorable Grandson, and the rivalry that the child seemed to share with the youngest Zatta sibling that led the two boys to engage in a ramen eating contest almost the instant they sat down.

And to think: she had once thought that watching _Naruto _eat was an adventure in controlling one's bowls.

Speaking of Naruto, he had finished his third bowl and added it to the growing stack at his elbow, and was now waving for a fourth. Azami gave him a deadpan look, not faltering until he noticed the eyes on him and looked up, several noodles dangling from his mouth.

"Whu - ?" he asked eloquently. Azami gave a long suffering sigh.

"Tell me again: exactly _how _many stomachs do you have?"

The blonde gulped down his mouthful and grinned sheepishly.

"Hey, look!"

The twelve year olds glanced over at Dokueki and Konohamaru, who were both panting, slightly green in the face, and gripping painfully overstuffed bellies. Dokueki grinned hugely through the food induced agony, holding out a small, swirly shrimp cake in his chopsticks, Konohamaru alternately stifling snickers and belches behind him.

"Naruto – meet naruto!" The seven year old's toothy grin stayed plastered to his face, slanted eyes squeezed shut with glee at his clever pun. Konohamaru's snickering turned to full blown howling laughter when the blonde snatched the shrimp from Dokueki's chopsticks and glared at it as though it had done him a personal wrong.

"Oh, yeah," Naruto grumbled moodily to the whorl of fried seafood in his hand. "Haven't heard _that_ one before." He made to toss the shrimp over his shoulder, then reconsidered, and opted for stuffing it in his mouth instead.

"HAHA! Naruto's a cannibal!" Dokueki cackled. He and Konohamaru both had tears streaming from their eyes.

Naruto twitched with rage. Azami patted his head consolingly with a muttered "Happy thoughts, buddy. Happy thoughts."

/0/0/0/0/0/0/0/0/

"_Narutooooo…_What has he done with the Honorable Grandson?" Ebisu crouched atop the Hokage monument, peering pointlessly around the village from a bird's eye view, hoping to catch a flash of orange and yellow, or perhaps a familiar silly little helmet. "Mrrrr…What's his evil plan? Where did they _go_?" He steeled his nerves for a long day of hunting and – more than likely – juvenile rehabilitation.

'_I am a Jounin – the highest ninja level. And I am an elite trainer of future Hokage! Any parasite that leeches onto my student, will be – '_

**taptap**

"WAUGH!"

The closet pervert whirled around to see what had interrupted his dramatic mental monologue with a tap on the shoulder, to find himself squinting against the sun. Standing silhouetted behind him, arms crossed over a beige, square necked poncho and black eyes staring lazily, stood Zatta Atsuko.

"Problems, Ebisu-san?" the woman asked with quirked eyebrows. The jounin felt a chill shoot up his spine at her voice; rather deep for a woman, raspy, with an oddly aristocratic annunciation to even the simplest phrases.

"Ah… Atsuko-san, I, um…" Ebisu cleared his throat. "I'm afraid the demon brat Uzumaki has absconded with my student, the Honorable Grandson. I was just deciding the wisest course of action to take."

Zatta's eyes widened slightly in interest. "Naruto-kun is already corrupting future generations?" she muttered, half to herself.

"You sound surprised," Ebisu said flatly.

"Oh, it's not that he's doing it that surprises me," said Atusko. "Just that he's doing it now. I didn't start tainting my own little sister's mind until I was about fourteen. He seems to have gotten an early start." The brunette smiled fondly. "Good for him."

"_**Good?!**_" Ebisu shrieked. "H-how can you say that? It isn't _good_! It's the farthest thing _from_ good! It's horrible! This is the Honorable Grandson we're talking about, not some random kid off the streets! Get your priorities in order, woman!"

Atsuko leaned backwards, away from her ranting colleague, and sweatdropped. Ebisu sighed agitatedly. "What are you doing here anyway, if I may ask?" he said. Atsuko sighed.

"Actually, I was looking for you," she said with a shrug. Ebisu blinked, bewildered. "You know that cold that's been going around? Well, most of my people either have it or are taking the opportunity to fake sick, so I was a bit short of hand today. So, I hired a team of genin to help me out."

"What does that have to do with you coming to find me?" asked Ebisu.

"Well…" said Atsuko, "It was Maito Gai's team."

Ebisu may not have particularly liked Atsuko, but he still shivered in sympathy. "I feel for you, Atsuko-san, though I still fail to see what this has to do with – "

"I'm getting to that, Ebisu," said Atsuko. "Now, as I was saying, I was getting some help from Gai's team, and we took a little training break, and…"

_That's right folks! It's flashbackin' time!_

Atsuko was once again humoring the fidgety genin, Tentin (she had already gone and forgotten her name again), and putting a great deal of time, effort and "hmmmm – ing" into examining the various weapons stuck in the centers of about twenty targets. She was quite impressed, actually. Many of these targets had been placed specifically to make hitting them almost impossible, but Teneleven's (okay, that was almost definitely wrong) form was flawless.

"Not bad, kid," she commented, finally deciding that she'd had her fun and the poor girl needed to release that held breath before she passed out. "Not bad at all. You'll make an excellent weapons mistress one day."

Tenten (_that_ was it) grinned proudly and flushed. "Thank you, Atsuko-senpai," she said with a low bow.

"Alright, people," Atsuko called out to Neji and the recently (yet again) defeated Lee, who had been sparring several yards away. "Fun's over, let's head back."

The troupe of ninja filed quietly through the front door of the weapons department to find Shou asleep at his post, earning him a wakeup call via air horn that Atsuko, snickering evilly, seemed to have pulled out of nowhere. Shou stumped off to the explosives section, grumbling under his breath about psychotic bosses and unprofessional behavior, the boys went back into the sharpening room, and Atsuko took Tenten behind the front desk to find something else for her to do. As the jounin sifted through the haphazard mess of weaponry hidden beneath the front desk from the view of shinobi coming by for supplies, Tenten casually examined the surface of the counter. The lacquered wood was stained dark and criss-crossed with pale scars and dents, no doubt thanks to the merchandise that was passed over it. A severely marked up calendar dominated the center, with little doodles in the margins from where the employees had obviously gotten bored. A small urn jammed with pens, half of which seemed to be missing their caps, rested atop a depleted stickynote pad. And in one corner, glowing slightly in the sunlight coming in through the front door, was something that made the girl's eyebrows twitch upwards.

It was a small framed photograph, depicting a grinning teenaged girl with dark brown hair that flopped down over one glinting black eye and a cowlick poking up comically in the back, wearing a beige tunic with a lavender obi, and a silly grin on her pale face, sitting next to a slightly insane looking older woman with purple hair held up in a clip and a tan overcoat. On the grass in front of them were two small children: a girl of about eight wearing a gigantic grey ski cap over her pitch hair and a smile identical to the brown haired teenager, hugging a chubby toddler with bright gold eyes.

"Who're they?" Tenten asked over the clanking of the weapons that Atsuko was still shifting around and her muffled cursing when said weapons poked her. The weapons mistress looked up distractedly.

"Huh? Oh-" she said when she saw the photo that Tenten was indicating. She straightened and brushed off her trousers. "That's me and my…my family. I'm about fifteen there."

"Huh? Your family?"

"Yup," said Atsuko. "I'm the kid on the right, the one next to me is Anko-senpai, who cared for me for a good while when I was a kid. The little weirdo in the beanie is my sister Azami, and the kid she's strangling is my brother Dokueki." Atsuko regarded the picture with a sad smile. "I can't believe how long it's been: Dokueki started at the academy a few weeks ago and Azami became a genin just yesterday."

Tenten gaped at her elder. "But – then what are you doing here?" she asked. "The day after the genin exam is a day off, isn't it, so shouldn't you be out celebrating with you sister? I remember when I became a genin my parents took the day off to spend time with me."

Atsuko leaned against the counter, arms akimbo and eyes closed. "It isn't that simple, kid," she sighed. "This job doesn't pay as much as you would think it does. And supporting the basic needs of two children along with myself, not to mention the price of academy classes for both of them, on one salary? It's pretty tight around my house."

"But couldn't you put in a request to the Hokage to raise you pay? I'm sure he would understand…" Atsuko was already shaking her head.

"Tenten, you can't even imagine all that the Third has done for me already, ever since I came to this village. I don't want any more of his charity; I owe him too much already." The nineteen year old pushed off of the counter and stretched languorously. "Besides, with my whole department either sick or faking sick at home where I can't get my hands on them, this place needs all hands on deck with just me, you kids, and Shou. I can't leave you in the middle of your mission."

"Sure you can!" Atsuko jumped and whipped around to see Gai standing in the doorway to the sharpening room, the usual blinding grin plastered across his face.

Atsuko gave the green spandexed sensei a bewildered look. "How long have you been – nevermind. Anyways, of course I can't, I hired them!"

"Well, why not?" said Gai cheerfully. "They'll stay here until their job is complete – that's a promise!"

"Look, I dunno…" Atsuko muttered, rubbing the back of her head.

"Go on and enjoy you sister's beautiful days of youth with her Atsuko-san!" Lee cried from the doorway to the sharpening room, his bandaged hand raised in a salute. "You can count on us to finish the job we were assigned!"

Atsuko looked around at them, thinking, and finally sighed. "It isn't that I don't trust you, it's just…I feel bad leaving you here…are you sure…?"

"Go on ahead and have fun with your sister, Atsuko-senpai!" said Tenten brightly. "Like Lee said: you can count on us!"

--"And now I'm here," Atsuko finished. Ebisu stared at her over the rims of his shades.

"Interesting story, Atsuko-san, and yet still I fail to see why you would want to enlist my help."

Atsuko gave a long suffering sigh, as if she were being forced to explain something very obvious. "Azami is friends with Naruto, right?" she said. Ebisu nodded. "And Naruto is off somewhere corrupting your student, right?" Ebisu flushed and nodded. "And Azami's got Dokueki with her, and as he's about Konohamaru's age, the other two will probably be leaving them in each other's company to go do their own thing, all the more reason for all four to stick together. In short: I'm here to help you find your student, so that I can find my own two little troubles and spend the day with them. Ya follow all that?"

"Fine then," said Ebisu. "Shall we?"

The two vanished in streaks of color.

/0/0/0/0/0/0/0/0/

"WHAAAAAT??" Naruto leaned away from Dokueki's enraged shriek. "You're teaching this jerk how to do the Sexy Jutsu?! I've been trying to get you to teach me that since _forever_!!"

Konohamaru's eyebrows twitched furiously at the 'jerk' comment, and he cast a smug smirk at his classmate.

"Yeah," said Naruto. "But _he_ doesn't have a pair of crazed older sisters who would come after my blood for teaching it to him, so it's completely different." He rubbed his newly acquired shiner. "Besides, I don't need any more beatings today. Why do they only whack me?"

Dokueki slowly turned to his sister, puppy-dog eyes in full effect. Azami stood contraposto, one fist planted on her jutting hip.

"Hey, don't look at me!" she said. "Do you have any idea what Atsuko would do to me if she ever found out I let him corrupt you? In fact, don't answer that, I don't even want to think about it. Anyway, Naruto, I told you sneaking into the women's onsen was a stupid idea, so you can't say it was unexpected."

Dokueki hunched his shoulders and pouted.

Eventually they came to a truce that, while Naruto attempted the get Konohamaru's sexy jutsu looking human, let alone sexy, Azami would help Dokueki out with target practice. And, well, if Dokueki were to overhear Naruto's instructions and maybe catch a glimpse of how the sexy jutsu was done, then what the hell?

Eventually, Dokueki's arms gave out, Naruto decided that he could no longer stand the sight of mullet haired fat chicks in bikinis, and Azami announced that she needed her caffeine fix for the day. Therefore, the impromptu band made their way to a small vending machine station and cracked out some sodas. Annoyed with the awkward silence that was punctuated only by the sounds of fizzing, slurping, and gulping, Naruto started up some small talk with Konohamaru.

The conversation turned inevitably to the Hokage position, and Azami rolled her eyes in irritation when Naruto gave the kid a harsh reality check and challenged him to a battle for the big funny hat someday in the far future. She had been rolling her eyes a lot today. Her orange clad friend kept on smirking and spacing out, looking like he was about to say something and stopping, and giggling for no apparent reason, as though he was bursting with some awesome secret and constantly reigning himself in from telling her. It was driving her up a wall, especially because she had no actual proof that he was hiding something from her.

Oh, well. At least he wasn't too upset about not passing the graduation exam.

Meanwhile, Dokueki was otherwise occupied. _"It's like I'm invisible…"_ Though he supposed he and Konohamaru were total opposites, he knew that feeling all too well. To other people, he wasn't "Zatta Dokueki." Sure, some people knew that that was his name, but in their eyes he was simply "That kid with the creepy eyes that never talks." This façade of the quiet and unassuming weirdo made making friends quite difficult for Dokueki, so he could see how Konohamaru would want out of his own public image so badly, even if said public image wasn't all that bad a gig. He could understand the other boy's desire to be treated like just another kid.

"I found you!" all four children gasped and looked up at the sound of the voice. Konohamaru's eyes narrowed stubbornly at the sight of his tutor. Dokueki gave the man a look of newfound distaste as well. Ebisu, on the other hand, was ignoring their eyes in favor of casting an unpleasant sneer down on Naruto and Azami.

'_Hmph! The Nine-tailed Fox. And his freak accomplice, of course.'_

The two pre-teens growled and stared right back at him. The jounin leapt down from his perch, smirking superiorly. "So, Honorable Grandson. Time to go home."

Konohamaru leapt to his feet with a shriek. "No way! I'm learning how to beat my Grandfather so I can get the title: Hokage! Now don't get in my way!" Azami cast a glare at Naruto out the corner of her eye, mentally berating him for creating his own second coming. Naruto, as usual, was oblivious.

"A Hokage is more than just a fighter," said Ebisu as he sauntered towards his young charge. "He must know virtue, honor, wisdom; and he must be skilled at a thousand jutsu. _You _don't even know _one_ jutsu."

As Konohamaru growled defiantly, Azami started up another mental _mantra_, trying to project the thoughts outwards so that the kid might be influenced: _don't try it, bad idea, don't try it, bad idea, don't try it, bad idea, don't – no – no, stop now, no you can still stop, no, don't don't don – _

"TRANSFORM!"

_**POOF!**_

The girl sighed in defeat and clapped a hand over her little brother's eyes.

"Hi there! Like my jutsu?"

'_Dumb kid – just what we need: someone with even less sense than Naruto running around with the ability to transform into a naked swimsuit model.'_

Ebisu's mouth was open in a silent screech of horror. Konohamaru poofed back into his usual cute chubby self, looking dismayed.

"Hey, he's not defeated!"

Ebisu finally found his voice. "Wha – What – WHAT KIND OF SCANDELOUS TECHNIQUE IS THAAAAT?!" Azami and Naruto watched with straight faces, as the snooty jounin launched himself at Konohamaru and grabbed him by the muffler. "Such tasteless vulgarity can _never_ influence me! _I _am _far above it!_" Naruto sighed irritably. Dokueki began whining and tugging at his sister's wrist, trying to see what was going on. "Honorable grandson, stop this, _RIGHT NOOOOW!_ Naruto is turning you into a delinquent! Only my special training can put you on the fast track to becoming the Hokage!"

"Just leave me alone!" the kid yelled, flailing his tiny fists pointlessly as he was dragged backwards by the scarf.

"Shadow clone jutsu!" Naruto roared. Azami's hand fell from Dokueki's eyes in shock. _'Wait – shadow WHAT?!'_ A grand total of thirty Naruto's stood shoulder to shoulder in the clearing, all perfectly identical, and all, as Azami could tell by the way the wind shifted their hair, and the grass that was flattened beneath their feet, completely solid.

'_Where the hell did THIS come from?!'_

"Whoa! This is – unreal!" Konohamaru cried, at the same time that Dokueki yelled an enthusiastic "COOL!"

Ebisu adjusted his shades with a smirk. "Hmph, I'm not impressed. I'm a jounin: an elite ninja warrior. I'm not some _lightweight_ like Mizuki."

"Wha – "Azami gaped at Naruto, shocked. "_Shadow _clone - Mizuki…like Mizuki-sensei? What in the name of…"

her confused rambling was ignored, as Ebisu walked coolly into the middle of the orange crowd. "Watch, how a _real _ninja defeats an upstart." The Narutos all bent their knees in a ready position, eyes narrowing. Ebisu smirked and crossed his arms, hands forming seals on opposite sides of his body. He glared over his shades. "Ready."

The Narutos' hands flew into seals and as one they shouted a single word:

"TRANSFORM!"

There was a gigantic poof of smoke, and Azami, who knew Naruto well enough to have seen this coming, once again covered her brother's eyes. Ebisu was blasted backwards with the force of his own explosive nosebleed. Konohamaru looked like he had just seen a tiny glimpse of his own personal heaven. A few miles away, the Hokage facepalmed in front of his seeing stone. In the cover of the bushes, Atsuko leaned against a tree and pounded her fist against the wood, tears of laughter streaming down her face. When she had regained some semblance of composure, she decided it was about time she showed herself.

"You know, Ebisu-san, I would have helped," the nineteen year old drawled, stepping out of the bushes and squatting down next to her colleague. "But - well - sorry, but you kind of deserved that. Well done, Naruto-kun." The blonde laughed nervously and rubbed the back of his head. He had known Atsuko for almost as long as he had been friends with Azami, and though she assured him that her sister was…essentially… harmless, she'd always kind of creeped him out.

"Hey, _WAIT A MINUTE!_" Azami thundered. She stormed up to Naruto and poked him angrily on the shoulder, snarling. "What _in the HELL _was that?! What was that about Mizuki-sensei? And where did you learn to make solid clones? You couldn't even make _one normal_ clone yesterday!" Naruto giggled awkwardly.

"Yeah, funny story about that…"

But Azami was in no mood for "funny stories."

"And _you!_" she bellowed, turning on her sister. "What are you even doing here; I thought you said you had work!"

"Chill out, Az," the elder chuckled, hands held up in a placating gesture. "What, are you not happy to see me?"

"Well, of course I'm glad to see you, I'm just – what the_ hell_ is going on here?!"

Atsuko grinned mischievously. "Well, I can't speak for Naruto – "she leaned in and muttered in the kid's ear "- Sorry kid, you're on your own – but I, to make a long story short, got kicked out of my own building by a troupe of overenthusiastic genin who decided that I need to spend more time with my family. So, here I am."

Azami nodded, appeased. She turned on Naruto. "And you?" she growled dangerously. Naruto's face drained of color, his whisker birthmarks standing out as he backed away from his friend's wrath, stammering. Atsuko stepped in, placing a staying hand on her younger sister's shoulder.

"Perhaps Naruto-kun can explain himself tomorrow?" the elder wheedled, internally praying that she would be able to stop Azami from spilling any blood. If there was one thing she knew about her sister, it was that she hated – she _really, truly __**hated**_ secrets. The younger girl's powder blue eyes narrowed at her sister's nervous, kindly little smile. After a long moment of silence, Atsuko decided she'd have to up the ante if she wanted to keep Naruto's body in its current shape. "For now," she added, "How's abouts we go out for Moshi, eh?"

To the nineteen year old's combined relief and disappointment, the ploy worked. Azami's face lit up with glee at the prospect of snarfing down every flavor of the odd little ice cream pastry balls that she could get her hands on. Atsuko personally thought the stuff was flat weird, and avoided eating it as much as possible – Anko had indefinitely coerced her to the ranks of the Dango lovers when she was about fifteen. Dokueki wasn't helping, hopping up and down with happy shouts of "Moshi Moshi Moshi Moshi!"

Azami whirled on Naruto and, grabbing him by the collar of his orange jacket, snarled "This isn't over!", before skipping off towards town, chattering innocently about different flavors of Moshi. Atsuko mouthed a sharp _"you owe me!"_ at the relieved blonde, and turned to trudge after her younger sister. Dokueki cast the older boy a sympathetic look, and shouted over his shoulder "See you at Academy, Konohamaru!" as he ran after his family.

The grandson of the Hokage blinked in surprise, and a gap-toothed grin spread across his face. He waved after his classmate, shouting "See ya, Dokueki!", and suddenly, going to school tomorrow didn't sound quite so bad as before.

In the secret room behind his office, the Sandaime Hokage grinned around his pipe. It was moments like these that made his job worth the paperwork…

/0/0/0/0/0/0/

For anybody who doesn't know, Dango are those syrupy dumplings-on-a-stick that Anko is obsessed with. And Moshi are these weird little balls of ice cream wrapped in this flavorless doughy stuff – mango is alright, as is green tea, but I'm telling you now: NEVER GET CHOCOLATE!! JUST DON'T DO IT!

If anyone is wondering exactly what Atsuko's voice sounds like, think English-dub Lust from Fullmetal Alchemist with Envy's drawl.

If you don't know what Fullmetal Alchemist is, you don't know what you're missing. Arguably one of the best Anime ever. The Manga is even better.

That's it for now!

Read and Review…pwease...


	3. Sasuke and Sakura: Welcome to Hell

The Reserve Genin

The Reserve Genin

Disclaimer: The assassins failed…thus is it still not mine…

(A/N): Oh, dear me, is she going to make this another "Four man squad" fic? Well…sorta. Except not really. (innocent) Guess you'll just have to Read and Review to find out, ne?

P.S. – this chapter will be sorta short, cuz this episode bores me.

Review Replies:

ResidentPyromaniac: ah, but I do love them so…

Terranian-boy: thanks for the great critique!

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Contrary to popular belief, Zatta Atsuko hated waking up almost as much as her grouchy younger sister. Granted, it was for entirely different reasons: Atsuko was in fact one of those rare anomalies of nature known as the morning person, and fully enjoyed the clean, fresh silence of a new day. Not to say she was much of an optimist; she just liked to enjoy her day before anyone else was awake to screw it up.

No, the reason Atsuko hated waking up was what she woke up seeing. Every morning. Without fail.

The pictures.

Five photographs, rather small and framed simply, all laid out in a sort of makeshift shrine on top of her dresser; complete with incense holder and a vase of artfully dried roses. Looking at the pictures gave the young woman nothing but grief and a steady burn of longing deep in her gut, which she would later try to wash away with her morning tea. But as painful as each glossy, frozen moment was for her to look at, Atsuko couldn't bring herself to be rid of them. Despite the pain that had followed so soon after every snapshot, and the pity she felt for the younger, hopeful Atsuko that stared back from each, not knowing that the worst was – and always would be – yet to come, beneath it all she could still feel some wisp of the happiness left over from each treasured moment.

Farthest to the right, a paper pale man in a green flak jacket and Konoha headband beneath long, inky hair grinned lopsidedly, one arm over the shoulder of a slender brunette woman with a pretty oval face and creamy complexion, hands folded neatly over the silver-grey obi that bound her navy kimono. Standing in front of her was a girl of about five, who shared her autumn brown hair and large pitch eyes. The child flashed the same cockeyed smile as the man, and her skin was the same impeccable white. The man's other hand rested atop the head of a boy, the same age as the pale girl, with brown hair smoothed back from a face that was already beginning to take on the sharp, fine features as his elder. The photo itself was faded and creased, and slightly blotchy in places.

…_The woman's brown hair loose and dangling into her face as red liquid bubbled out of her gasping mouth, a shuriken trapped halfway in her throat and seeming to divide her neck on a perfect line of symmetry…_

Next to it was a photo in only slightly better shape, featuring the girl and boy from the first, both looking to be about twelve now, but barely recognizable. There was something shifty about their eyes, even still as they were on the paper. The dark bags accentuating their uneasy orbs were made all the more evident by the contrast of their pale skin. The girl's hair was clipped chin-short, while the boy's was pulled back into a short tail. Both wore thick ropes of purple silk around their waists and matching beige outfits. However, despite their tired and uniform appearances, both were grinning broadly and waving at the camera. Sitting on the boy's shoulders was a chubby toddler, barely out of infanthood, tugging at his hair and smiling with its tiny white nubs of teeth, a soft peach fuzz of black hair caressing its forehead. Swinging between both older children's hands was a little girl of about six, who was flashing the empty sockets of her two front teeth in a shriek of delight.

…_A purple rope, saturated and crusty with dried blood being placed in her shaking hands…a soft voice muffled by a porcelain mask: "That was all we could find. I'm sorry kid, I really am…but it's probably best if you give up on your brother and move on."…_

The next picture showed the same pale girl, somewhat older and dressed in new clothes, sitting between two new boys and wearing a tiny shadow of a smile. The bags beneath her eyes seemed far more pronounced, and if one looked closely, her wrist bones jutted against her skin with unnatural sharpness. The boy to her left wore a dark shirt with a high collar and grey trousers, tape wrapped around his shins. Two creases worked their way from the inner corners of his black eyes and down his cheeks, and his smile was only slightly more cheerful than the girl's. The boy on the right looked older than the other two, and far happier – his smile actually showed teeth. He was making a victory sign, and had one arm wrapped around both of the younger two's shoulders, pulling them in close in a sort of makeshift hug.

…"_Mother sent you to talk to me, didn't she?" _

"_Because she's worried about you – everyone's worried about you; you've been off ever since Shisui died and – OI! You get back here, Itachi, I'm not done with you!" _

"_Atsuko. Stay out of this."…_

Second to last was a picture of Atsuko on her sixteenth birthday, the shadows beneath her rolling eyes darker than ever. She was sitting around a table in a restaurant, with Anko ruffling her hair, mid snicker, just to piss her off. Azami and Dokueki sat across from them, waving at the camera with spring rolls poking out of their mouths.

…"_GO TO YOUR ROOM!" _

"_I'M ALREADY IN MY ROOM!"…_

The final photograph was Atsuko's current favorite, because it didn't yet have any painful memories attached. It was a picture taken by Ichiraku Teuchi on the thirteenth anniversary of his shop's opening, and showed Atsuko grinning from ear to ear next to Naruto and Azami's academy teacher, Iruka, with said kids giving thumb-ups from either side of them. The circles under her eyes didn't look so bad there, even thrown into relief from the surrounding paper lamps.

'_Knowing my luck, Ichiraku's boiler is probably going to explode pretty soon. Tch, how typical would that be?'_

Grumbling mentally, Atsuko tore her eyes away from the photos and tied a fuzzy light blue bathrobe on over her PJ's (green with little duckies on them), and made her way to the kitchen to start on breakfast before her brother and sister woke up. But, before she even made it out of the bedroom hallway, she saw that the kitchen light was on. It took less than a second for the jounin to snap into ninja mode, and she pulled out the kunai that she kept in her robe pocket out of the paranoia inherent to all shinobi. Creeping with adrenaline fueled grace, the young woman practically slithered around the living room furniture and pressed herself against the wall next to the kitchen doorway.

"KYAH!"

"YIPE!"

Atsuko's flung kunai hit the refrigerator door, having flown right over a head of messy black hair. Which, as it happened, was now flattened against the kitchen table, the owner's hands gripping it in terror.

Azami slowly looked up at her sister, frowning in the doorway, and turned around to inspect the weapon that had almost scalped her. Gaping, she turned back to the elder, who had shifted out of her throwing stance and was now staring at her with arched eyebrows.

"What're you doing up this early?"

"Wha – WHAT AM I DOING UP?! You almost impale your own sister and _that's_ all you can say?!"

Atsuko shrugged and walked around the table to pull her knife out of the fridge. "Well, I didn't hit you, now did I?"

Azami's jaw seemed to have come unhinged.

"Close your mouth, squirt, it's really not becoming. Now, what did I do with the green tea?"

Azami continued to stare at her older sibling as she puttered around the kitchen, setting up some tea and whipping eggs for breakfast. "So," she said conversationally, "what _are _you doing awake this early, Az?" she calmly popped some bread in the toaster. Azami seemed to shrink in her chair, and buried her head in her arms.

"I just…couldn't sleep, that's all."

Atusko's eyebrows nearly disappeared into her hairline. "You? Not sleep?" The elder sister poked her head out the kitchen window with a melodramatic expression of shock. "Well, it doesn't _look_ like the sky is falling," she muttered pensively. Azami glanced up crossly.

"Har har." She snapped. Atsuko chuckled and went back to preparing breakfast. There was silence for several minutes, until the brunette set two plates of toast and sliced fruit in front of Azami and her own place.

"So," Atsuko said conversationally though a mouthful of mango. "What's eatin' ya squirt?" Azami heaved a sigh and crammed the toast into her mouth.

"Shjush teh teef if aww," she forced out around the wadded up bread, before inhaling several crumbs and promptly choking. Atsuko whacked her hard on the back, and Azami swallowed the huge soggy lump back and coughed hard. "Thanks," she wheezed, massaging her throat.

"No problem. You were saying…?" Atsuko prompted easily.

"It's just that," the twelve year old stared at her wringing hands, "'s'just the team placement is all," she muttered. "I don't wanna get stuck on a team with someone I hate. Or what if I get a bad sensei? _Or _what if I'm the least talented person on my team? Or maybe – hey, quit laughing!"

Atsuko stifled her chuckles with one hand. "Sorry, squirt," she said, rubbing her sister's head. "Don't worry about teams, 'kay? They all work out eventually, even if you all hate each other at first. Trust me." Azami looked at her sister's small, quiet smile for a second, and finally giggled and returned it. What was she worried about? This would turn out fine.

/0/0/0/0/0/0/0/0/0/0/0/0/0/0/

Azami reached up and ran a finger on the edge of her forehead protector, just to make sure it was still attached to her hat. The hallway of the Academy was crowded with students rushing to class, desperate not to be tardy. Iruka-sensei's room was just a few doors away, so she ambled along unconcerned. It was just orientation day – what was Iruka going to do to her if she showed up a second or two late?

_**WHOOSH!**_

Azami blinked, her hair blown forward as two blurs – one red and the other purple – shot past her on either side and shoved past each other into Iruka's room.

"**I'm First!**" a pair of shrill voices chorused. Azami rolled her eyes.

'_How pathetic can ya get?'_

"I win again, _Sakura!_"

"Give it up! I had to look _back_ to see you, my toe was _at least _a tenth of an inch ahead!"

"Have you always been this delusional?"

Azami shoved her bickering classmates (_former_ classmates, thank kami-sama) out of the way and passed between them with a snarl.

"Get out of my way, _fangirls_."

Sakura and Ino glowered at the dark girl's back, but Azami took no notice. She had frozen on the spot and was gaping at Naruto, sitting across the room, konoha symbol etched proudly across his forehead. She grinned and headed for him, on the way noticing Hyuuga Hinata beaming at the oblivious kid with those disconcerting eyes of hers.

"Now you _really _owe me an explanation, you – "Azami stopped short. Naruto wasn't listening. In fact, Naruto wasn't even looking at her. Azami raised an eyebrow and crouched down, turning her head in the same direction as his and pointing two fingers along the path of his eyes. For a second, she thought the reason for the moronic blush on his face was Hinata, who was sitting at the back of the next row over and still staring at him.

'_Did he finally notice her? Bout time, poor kid…'_ her line of sight was suddenly blocked by a field of red: Sakura had run down the aisle and was now standing in front of Naruto's desk. Naruto leapt to his feet behind Azami, who, at finding herself sandwiched between the violent rosette and her senseless friend, decided to scoot out of the way.

"Hi Sakura, what's up – "

"MOVE IT!"

Naruto went flying, almost hitting Azami on the way. Sakura's demeanor changed from vicious to cutesy almost the instant she turned her attention on the person who had been sitting next to Naruto.

"Um, good morning Sasuke. Mind if I sit next to you?" Sasuke glanced up. Ino appeared almost out of nowhere.

"Get lost, Forehead, _I'm _sitting next to Sasuke!"

"I was here first!"

"I walked into the classroom before you did, everybody saw it!"

"Dream on!"

Another girl popped up.

"Actually, I was here before either of you."

"So was I! I'm sitting next to Sasuke!"

"No, I am!"

Sasuke looked away disinterestedly. Azami, meanwhile, was slapping Naruto's cheek, trying to get him out of his daze. She took a second to look back.

'_Pfft. Crimony, if I didn't hate the guy so much, I'd almost feel sorry for him, having to put up with these harpies.'_

/0/0/0/0/0/0/0/0/0/0/0/0/0/

"Most promising student Uchiha Sauske," a bored, lazy voice mused. "Is that him?"

"Yes, that's the one," said the Hokage. A pretty young woman with blood colored eyes regarded the image in the crystal ball sadly.

"He's the only survivor left from the Uchiha clan," she murmured.

That's right," replied the Hokage.

"Hmmm," the first speaker, a lanky man with wild white hair and an almost completely concealed face stayed riveted on the image. Slowly, the picture shifted from the brooding pre-teen and over to the arguing females standing over and ignoring a dazed looking blond who was propped up against a desk, and a scrawny girl in a ski cap crouching next to him. "Uzumai Naruto, huh?" he muttered. "And who's the one next to him?"

"That's Zatta Azami, the one we've been considering for the new genin program to be put into effect soon."

"Zatta?" said a man with a cigarette hanging out the corner of his mouth. "Any relation to the head of the Armaments Department?"

"Her younger sister," said the Hokage. Many of the assembled jounin grimaced and cast the masked man sympathetic looks.

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Naruto growled and darted past Azami, launching himself onto the desk.

"Naruto! Hey, stop glaring at Sasuke!" Sakura shrieked. Naruto looked up from his squatting position in front of the pale boy and stared at Sakura like a scolded puppy, before returning to regarding the class heartthrob like an amoeba under a microscope. That is, until a kid in the row under them leaned back and bumped him, causing the orange ninja to go careening right into Sasuke's face.

The fangirls gasped.

Hinata, still at the back of the classroom, paled.

Azami's eye twitched.

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Several minutes later, the bruised pulp that had once been Naruto sat between Sakura and Sasuke, and Azami sat in the row in front of them. Iruka regarded the lot proudly from the front of the room.

"As of Today, you are all ninjas. To get here, you have faced difficult trials and hardships. But that's nothing, what comes next is far more difficult." Azami sat and listened to the speech boredly.

'_Least I don't have to put up with the harpies anymore – I'll trade them for any hardship.'_

"Now you are only genin: first level ninjas. All of the genin will be grouped into three man squads, except for one group, which, due to a surplus of graduates, will have four members. Each squad will be led by a jounin: an elite ninja."

'_Yeah, yeah, get on with it...'_

"We want each squad to have a balance of strengths and abilities, so that's how we set them up. I will now announce the squads:"

Azami took a calming breath. _'I just don't want to end up on a team with anyone obnoxious…'_

"Team seven," Iruka read out, "will be our four man team. That means that if a slot opens up somewhere for a new genin, whichever member is best suited for the position will be moved. The members will be: Uzumki Naruto. Haruno Sakura."

"YEAH!!"

"I'm doomed…"

"Uchiha Sasuke."

"HAAAH!"

"I'm doomed…"

"And Zatta Azami."

Azami felt the blood leave her face. Iruka went on reading. When he finished, Naruto leapt to his feet in a rage.

"Iruka-sensei! Why does a great ninja like me have to be in the same group as a slug like Sasuke?!"

"Yeah, I'm with Naruto on this one!" Azami shouted, on her feet as well. "Why do I have to be stuck with Billboard Brow and Pinfeathers?!"

Iruka gave them disapproving looks. "Sasuke and Sakura had the two highest scores of all the graduating students. Naruto, Azami, you had the worst scores. In order to create a balanced squad, we put the best students with the _worst_ students."

"Just make sure you don't get in my way…losers," Sasuke muttered. Naruto and Azami both growled.

"Hey, what did you say?!" Naruto yelled.

"Hard of hearing?" Sasuke grunted.

"Sleep with your eyes open, Uchiha!" Azami warned in a hiss. "And as for you," she jabbed a finger in Sakura's smug face. "Just wait till our sensei has us sparring. Just _wait!_"

"Knock it off you two, sit down!" Sakura snapped, returning Azami's challenging glare.

Iruka cleared his throat. "After lunch you'll meet your new jounin teachers. Until then, class dismissed!"

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"See ya after lunch, Naruto!" Azami called after her friend. _'Have fun getting shot down,'_ she added with mental pity. Naruto was hopelessly in love with Sakura the Harpy, who was in love with Sasuke, the Amazing Expressionless Ice Cube, and meanwhile had no inkling that the heiress of Konoha's most powerful clan was head over heels for him. It was like a bad soap opera.

A really bad soap opera.

The twelve year old sighed in resignation and hefted her bento box under her arm. She trotted off to the Armory Department, where Atsuko had said she could spend lunch.

The door, as usual, was open for any shinobi to come and pick up new gear or return old for recycling, and Azami strolled right on in. The nerdy looking chuunin manning the front desk, Shou, waved to her absently as she passed, engrossed in a magazine.

As most of what the weapons department's job entailed was repairing, sharpening, and recirculating old weaponry, Azami checked the sharpening room first. No use looking into explosives or sealing scrolls, anyway: Atsuko's calligraphy was absolutely deplorable. A thin, pale haired woman looked up from her sharpening wheel when Azami pushed open the already cracked door and waved. The screech of the grinding wheel faded to a whine as the woman laid off the foot pedal that kept it going and returned the twelve year old's wave.

"Well, if it ain't Azami!" she said, a tad louder than necessary.

"Hey, Akako-san," Azami returned, also a bit loud. Those sharpeners where murder on the ears. "Have you seen my sister?"

"The Boss?" said Akako. "Yeah, she's down in the forge, if you really want to eat your lunch down there," she nodded her head at Azami's bento.

"I'll be fine. Thanks Akako-san!" the girl dipped her head quickly and sprinted to the end of the hall, where a heavy western style door bore a sign in her sister's notoriously sloppy hand, reading: "FORGE – dangerous materials – enter at own risk".

Azami pushed the door open a sliver and immediately sparks flew past her, carried on the strong wind of the currently thundering bellows.

"SIS! She roared. "I'm coming in!"

The forge was a large room, sunk partially into the ground and made primarily of stone. The wooden beams that showed few and far between all blackened from the almost constant heat. Weapons: broken, obscenely large and elaborate, half finished, and, in some cases, still crusty with dry blood hung from hooks on the ceiling and pegs on the walls, or were propped up in bunches. In front of the gigantic stone grate at the back of the room, silhouetted by the flames that leapt from its arching mouth, stood two figures.

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Atsuko sighed as she tugged a pair of thick, scarred leather gloves onto her arms over the dingy and singed jumpsuit that she had just donned. She snapped a pair of green goggles on over her eyes and, as she passed the sharpening room, waved to one of her employees, Akako.

"Yo. I'm headed to the forge. If my sister comes by, tell her to come on back if she wants, kay?" Akako gave her a two fingered salute.

"Sure thing, Boss!" she yelled. Atsuko gave her a thumbs up.

The forge was definitely not Atsuko's kind of place. It was dark, and the fire made the peculiarly prominent shadows move of their own accord, not to mention the impressive collection of distorted weaponry. It was exactly the sort of place where some psycho seemed liable to sneak up from the shadows wielding a butcher knife, like in those moronic movies with the teenagers who walked into old abandoned warehouses or whatever and somehow didn't expect anything bad to come of it. Glancing around suspiciously, Atsuko took a sword that had been heating in the grate and set it on an anvil.

"Good morning, Atsuko-san."

The nineteen year old yelped comically and whipped around, the blazing tip of the sword swiping an orange line through the air and coming to rest an inch away from the nose of Morino Ibiki.

The interrogator glanced, somewhat cross-eyed, at the sword, and then dubiously at Atsuko. The blood from whose face, meanwhile, had drained away like the water in a flushed toilet.

"Wha – What the hell was that?!" she wheezed. The palpitations she now had were making it rather difficult to breathe.

Atsuko knew from past encounters that Ibiki was really an okay guy, but frankly that did nothing to remedy the fact that he was impossibly creepy. Especially when he snuck up on poor, unsuspecting weapons masters in dimly lit rooms full of pointy objects.

"One of your subordinates said you were back here, so I let myself in. Now get the sword out of my face and stop acting like some paranoid genin." The man's gravelly voice carried a tinge of annoyance. Atsuko growled and lowered the burning metal, returning it with care to the anvil.

"Alright, what do you want?" she muttered, picking up her hammer and tapping along the sword's edge. "I know you're not here to pick up any orders: it's not like your department needs any torture implements."

Ibiki frowned at Atsuko's back. "Actually, I just came to talk to you. Or more specifically: to warn you."

"Warn me?" the weapon specialist frowned over her shoulder. "'bout what?"

"Do you remember a couple years back, when Danzo was pushing to get that new genin project started?" Atsuko stopped shaping the sword and raised an eyebrow at Ibiki.

"Yeah, I remember that. He wanted to form a specialized genin squad designed for the sole purpose of reconnaissance and espionage, which would be under the direct control of ANBU. He had no apparent grounds for wanting to start such a project, and the Hokage dismissed it because it sounded too much like the ROOT program, and besides that, he didn't want kids being exposed to the trauma of ANBU duties. What, he hasn't brought it up again has he?"

"In a word: yes. I'm telling you this because he finally wore the Hokage down: he agreed that if Danzo could find suitable students for the job who happened to be free, he could form a team. I don't think he actually thought Danzo would bother going through with that, but with the reserve genin open in the new graduates, he's really been trying for it. And according to Anko, he's been looking hard into your sister's records for a while now. He's considering her and already has one other kid pegged, so if another candidate crops up and the program makes it through…"

"Azami will be working directly under that bastard," Atsuko finished pensively. "That isn't good. Danzo's been trying his damndest to get rid of me since I got here, and I sure as hell wouldn't put it past him to take out his grudge against me on my sister."

Ibiki raised an eyebrow. "Just a grudge against you? But aren't all three of you…?"

"Yeah, but when we got here, I was the only one too old for him to corrupt. I'll never forget what he said during my little 'trial' before the Council." Atsuko swept her damp bangs irritably from her face. "Son of a Bitch actually proposed, right there, with me sitting in the middle of the fucking room that they just kill me and stick my baby brother and sister in the ROOT program to brainwash any…any 'Dad-ness', shall we say, right out of them." She laughed bitterly. "Guess he hasn't quite given up on it. Shit…"

The interrogator watched Atsuko's back while she worked in silence, mulling things over. _'Well, I never heard that little detail. Interesting. But what could Danzo's real motive be for this move? Any way you look at it, it can't be good for Atsuko's kid sister, that much is certain.'_

Suddenly, the door to the forge creaked open and, over the thunder of the bellows, a voice called out: "SIS! I'm coming in!"

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"Ah, hello, Azami. Lunch time already?"

Azami closed the door behind her, ignoring her sister's slightly strained smile and staring at the leathery faced, trench-coated fellow standing behind her.

"Who're you?" she asked bluntly. Ibiki grinned. Atsuko snorted and returned to work –

"_Oh, I feel so loved…"_

Ibiki strode to the twelve year old and held out a hand to shake. "My name is Ibiki – I was just talking to your sister, but I'll be leaving you two alone now. Atsuko-san, good day," and with that, he left. Azami stared at the door for a long moment after Ibiki left, then turned back to her sister.

"Who was he?"

"He told you: he's Ibiki."

Azami rolled her eyes. "_So_ helpful. Who's he _to you_?"

Atsuko shrugged. "He works with Anko, I met him a few years ago. He was just dropping by to pass me some news. So, how did the team placement go?" Azami heaved a sigh and carefully shoved some haphazardly placed weapons off of one corner of a rough work table to sit down.

"Bad," she groaned. "I'm stuck on the only four man squad – with Naruto – "

"Well that's not so bad, is it?"

" – and the lovebirds."

Atsuko arched her eyebrows. "Lovebirds?"

"Uchiha Sasuke and his most pathetic fangirl, Haruno Sakura."

"The one with the forehead?"

"And pink hair of all things."

Atsuko chuckled quietly. Azami frowned. "What?"

The elder sister smiled through the soot covering her face. "Azami, you have to remember that a lot of girls aren't like you. Most girls about your age are interested in their looks and social status and boys, and Sasuke is exactly the kind of hottie jerk that girls without much experience in boys go for first." Azami blinked.

"That's stupid! So what, I'm behind the puberty curve because I have better things to do than throw myself at boys' feet?" She looked up and glared at her sister. "And don't call him a 'hottie'; do you know how creepy that is?"

Atsuko laughed. "Just stating facts, squirt: he's a cute kid. And no, this means that you're more mature than those girls. Hell, look at me: _I_ didn't even look at a guy twice until I was fifteen." The nineteen year old looked up through her goggles with a smile. "Trust me, by the time you start liking boys you'll be well old enough to know what you _should _be looking for in a man. Just take my word for it, you'll put up with a lot less heartbreak that way in the long run."

Azami sighed. Her sister just didn't get it sometimes. It was _annoying._ Annoying that the other girls all thought she was a loser because she didn't care about boys. Annoying that the boys wouldn't let her hang out with them because they thought she should go mooning after Sasuke with the other girls and leave them to "men's business." The twelve year old gave up on trying to get her sister to understand and opened her bento gloomily.

"Whoa!" Atsuko yelled suddenly. "Don't eat that in here, it's unsanitary!" She plunged the sword she had been working on into a bucket of water and set it aside. "Come on, I'm getting hungry too. We can eat in the lounge."

Atsuko didn't bother changing out of her grey forge jumpsuit and had pushed her goggles onto her forehead. She did, however, remove the gloves so that she could hold her chopsticks and…well, so that she wouldn't leave sooty handprints when she whacked the crappy old microwave in which she cooked her cheapo beef ramen cup to get it working. Azami giggled around her mouthful of shrimp sashimi at the foul curses her sister aimed at the dysfunctional appliance.

The two ate in companionable silence, until Azami looked up at the clock and excused herself, saying that lunch break was about over and she should be getting back to meet her sensei.

"Hopefully he won't suck as much as the team," she grumbled.

"Count you blessings," said Atsuko. "At least you get along with Naruto."

"Yeah," Azami said sarcastically. "With Naruto, who will be mooning after Sakura, who will be lusting after Sasuke, whom Naruto will constantly be challenging and subsequently losing to." She rolled her eyes. "I'm not doomed at all."


	4. Beating the System

(A/N): Finally

(A/N): Finally! Things start heating up! How will my slightly moronic little OC withstand the human embodiment of apathy: Hatake Kakashi? Guess you'll have to read to find out 

On a more professional note, you may have noticed that I use the Japanese method of introduction, that is, surname before given name, in my fanfic. This would be because, while I have no problem with the idea of dubbing, Americanization pisses me the hell off. Frickin country, can't believe I live here…

And for those of you who are noting that I'm a dirty hypocrite, because Azami and Atsuko ate a western style breakfast last chapter and refer to each other as "sis", all I can say is: toast wins, so shaddap! And, ya know…maybe I don't know any traditional Japanese breakfasts and was too lazy to research…that could have a few things to do with it…besides that, I'm a n00b when it comes to the language and I don't want the language geeks after my blood.

Review Replies:

xXxLostInnocensexXx: thank you ever so much for putting me on your alerts :)

nekotama: good to know -bow- thankies, and here is the next installment :) oh, and also: "Really? R-really? Wow. So this is how it's gonna be? Alright. Fine. See if I care. Just see."

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"He's late." Naruto grumped. Azami cracked an eye open and gave her friend, now teammate, a lazy stare.

"Thank you, captain obvious," she mumbled, more to herself than anyone else. Sasuke was sitting quietly at a table like the model student he was, Sakura was leaning against another, and Naruto was looking anxiously out the door, sweeping the hall for their, as stated, tardy sensei. Azami, on the other hand, was napping off her lunch, arms behind her head, lying sprawled across the surface of a back row desk.

"Na-ru-_to_, just sit down!" Sakura commanded.

"I don't want to!" Naruto shot back. "How come our teacher's the only one who's late? I'm ready to roll! Believe it! The other groups already met their new teachers and took off on some adventure or something, and Iruka-sensei's gone too!"

Sakura gave a long-suffering sigh. "We know, okay?" Naruto started shuffling around behind Iruka's desk. The rosette frowned. "Hey, what're you doing?!"

Naruto was standing on a stool, giggling maniacally, placing a loaded chalk eraser between the sliding door and the jamb. Sakura planted her fists on her hips. "Naruto!"

"That's what he gets for being late! Sur-_prise!_"

"You're asking for trouble," Sakura scolded. "You know you shouldn't do that."

Azami sighed. "Hate to say it, but Billboard-brow has a point, dude," she muttered. "You want him to hate us before he's even met us?"

"Our teacher's a joinin: an elite ninja," Sasuke added in his typical drawl. "You think he'd fall for that?"

"Yeah, Sasuke's right," sneered Sakura. "You're so clueless, Naruto."

A hand suddenly appeared on the partially opened door, and despite themselves, all four genin focused intently on it, curious as to how their new teacher was going to react. A head topped by an unruly thatch of pale grey hair poked in…and the eraser bounced off of it.

Naruto immediately burst out laughing. "I got him!" the blond cackled. "He totally fell for it!"

"I'm sorry, Sensei!" simpered Sakura. "I told him not to do it, but he wouldn't listen! I'd _never_ do anything like that!"

Azami suppressed a snort. Figures they'd get a total sucker as a teacher. The white haired man picked up the eraser and surveyed the group in front of him lazily.

"Hmmm, how can I put this," he said in a bored, mellow voice. "My first impression of this group: you're a bunch of idiots." He watched their bland faces for a moment, and suddenly his one visible eyebrow twitched upward. "Wait a moment…wasn't this the group with the extra?"

"Up here," Azami said, waving an arm around to get the sensei's attention from her position in the back. The man rolled his eye and sighed hopelessly.

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"Alright, why don't you introduce yourselves. One at a time." said the masked man, in a tone that made it more than obvious that he couldn't possibly care less who they all were.

"Introduce ourselves?" said Sakura. "Well, what're we supposed to say?"

"Things you like. Things you hate. Dreams for the future. Hobbies. Things like that," the man practically yawned.

"Why don't you tell us stuff first, I mean: before we talk tell us about you, so we can see how it's supposed to work," said Naruto.

"Me?" asked the man. "I'm Hatake Kakashi. Things I like and things I hate…I don't feel like telling you that. Dreams for the future. Hm. I never really thought about it. As for my hobbies…I have lots of hobbies."

"Well _that_ was totally useless, all he really told us was his name," grumbled Sakura. Naruto nodded.

"Okay, your turn. You on the right," Kakashi looked at Naruto. "You first."

Naruto grinned and straightened his headband. "Believe it! I'm Uzumaki Naruto. I like instant ramen in a cup, and I _really_ like the ramen Iruka-sensei got me at the Ichiraku noodle shop. But I hate the three minutes you have to wait after you pour the water in the ramen cup. My hobby is eating different kinds of ramen and comparing them. And my dream for the future is: to be the greatest Hokage! Then the whole village will stop disrespecting me and start treating me like I'm somebody – somebody important!"

Kakashi analyzed the orange kid coolly. _'Well, he's grown up in a very interesting way…'_

"Crimony, Naruto, you're such a guy!" the girl in the red jacket sighed. "Don't you ever think about anything but food?"

"No, not really, no," Naruto said, scratching the back of his head.

'_Ah, yes,'_ thought Kakashi. _'The lazy one. Seems she's a bit arrogant.'_ "Well, how about you next?" he said aloud. The girl pointed to herself innocently, then tugged her hat down over her ears – _'nervous habit?'_ – and started up.

"I'm Zatta Azami. I like shrimp sashimi, especially the way my sister makes it, the color red, and sleeping in. I hate superficial people," she cast a quick glare at the pink haired girl, "and having to babysit my little brother. My hobby…does people watching count? That's all I can think of. And my dream for the future…well…I want to beat the average shinobi life expectancy of thirty five, at least."

'_Superficial…average life expectancy…well, it seems she's got a good vocabulary if nothing else. Then again, she lives with Atsuko.'_

"Alright, next."

"I'm Haruno Sakura. What I like – I mean, the _person_ I like is…" she trailed off giggling, with a coy look at the glowering black haired boy. Kakashi noted with some interest that Azami elbowed Naruto and stuck a finger in her mouth, gagging. "My hobby is…teeheehee…my dream for the future is – EEEhehehehehe!" Kakashi wasn't amused.

"And what do you hate?" he prompted.

Sakura whirled on Azami and Naruto, demeanor shifting in an instant. "Those two!" she snarled. Naruto looked crestfallen. Azami scratched an eyebrow with her middle finger.

'_Girls her age are more interested in boys than in ninja training. Seems Azami is the token class tomboy: most likely why these two obviously don't get along.'_

"Last one," Kakashi said, barely able to keep the relief out of his voice.

The dark haired boy didn't physically react to being called. "My name," he grunted, "Is Uchiha Sasuke. I hate a lot of things. And I don't particularly like anything." The pink haired girl looked upset. Sasuke's face seemed to darken. "What I have is not a dream, because I _will_ make it a reality. I'm going to restore my clan, and destroy a _certain someone._"

The drama of the moment was slightly ruined by the fact that Azami was sitting next to the boy, shoulders hunched, fingers laced in front of her face, and glaring straight ahead in a perfect imitation of him. Nonetheless, that declaration seemed to have made Naruto somewhat nervous.

'_Jeez, I hope he doesn't mean me,' _the other boy thought.

'_Sasuke is soooo hot!' _Sakura gushed mentally.

'_And everyone calls me weird…'_ Azami blew her bangs pointlessly out of her eyes.

'_Just as I thought,'_ Kakashi deduced coldly. Out loud he said: "Good. You're each unique and you have your own ideas. We'll have our first mission tomorrow."

Naruto cracked a smile. "What kind of mission are we gonna have?" he asked eagerly.

"It's a task that the five of us will do together," said Kakashi. Azami slumped visibly.

'_Don't tell me it's more __**bonding**__…'_

"Whatwhatwhatwhat?!" Naruto cried. Kakashi paused for dramatic effect.

"A survival exercise," he said. Azami barely suppressed a groan.

'_I'm never right about things that I _want_ to be right about, am I? It's always the bad stuff that comes true.'_

"Huh? A survival exercise?" Naruto asked.

"I thought we were supposed to have a real mission, not more practice," Sakura whined. "We already did this stuff at the academy, that's how we got here."

Azami got the distinct feeling that Kakashi was smirking underneath that mask. "This," he said craftily, "is not like your previous training."

Naruto frowned, looking stumped. "So, so, uh, what kind of training is it?"

Kakashi began to snicker evilly. They all watched him, wary.

"Hang on," said Sakura, "that's a normal question, what's so funny?"

"Well, if I tell you the answer," Kakashi said, singsong, "You're not going to like it!"

Of the twenty-eight graduates who just came here, only nine will actually be accepted as genin," Kakashi chortled. "Or, in this year's case, possibly ten, considering the off factor of students. In other words: you four. The other eighteen – or nineteen, considering – will be weeded out and sent back to the academy. In other words: this is a make it or break it, pass-fail test. And the chance that you fail is _at least_ sixty-six per-cent."

The three would-be genin gaped at him.

"See? Didn't I tell you you wouldn't like it?"

"That's crazy!" Naruto roared. "We worked hard to get here! Believe it! What was that graduation test for anyway?"

"Oh, that?" Kakashi said cheerfully. "That was just to select candidates who _might_ become genin. Or not."

Naruto gave a cry of protest. "That's how it is," Kakashi shrugged. "I decide whether you pass or fail. Be at the designated training spot at five a.m. And bring your ninja gear. That's it. You're dismissed. Oh and, tomorrow you'll want to skip breakfast or else…you'll puke."

Azami snorted and went to the rail around the perimeter of the roof they'd had their little discussion on, and hopped over it onto the sidewalk below.

'_Those bastards better be ready for ten genin, dammit!'_ she thought, determined. _'I'm not failing anything, not in this lifetime, and if – '_the twelve year old's inner rant was cut off as she felt an uncomfortable prickling between her shoulder blades. Her head whipped from side to side, and finally up, to find Kakashi still on the roof and watching her with a sort of detached interest. Slowly, Azami felt a triumphant smirk twist at one corner of her mouth, and saw Kakashi's eye widen slightly. _'That's it, pops, I'm on to you,' _she directed her thoughts at him. _'The others may not get it, but that's cuz they don't know any jounin. I don't trust you for a second, and you can bet I'm not skipping anything tomorrow. Just try and fail me.'_

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The next morning Azami woke up early for once in her life and stood in front of the mirror preparing for a full half hour. Kakashi had said to bring their ninja gear, but so far as Azami was concerned, there was a difference between the standard shinobi weapon pack and all out _ninja gear._ That old bastard wanted ninja gear? Oh, she'd give him ninja gear. The girl's maroon hoodie was still laid out on her bed, and she stood in front of the mirror grinning at herself wickedly.

Though her beige shorts only ended just above her knees, under the hoodie one could find that the waistband actually started just below her ribs. Belt loops were strung from the tops of the shorts down to where normal people's pants usually started, and they held an absurdly large leather belt. And attached to this belt were small holsters, which, until now, had stood empty.

After much whining, pleading, and shameless begging by Azami, Atsuko had at last given in and presented Azami with the rather large set of assassin's push knives that the holsters were meant to contain. Several more knives were set into the rig that the twelve year old now had strapped to each forearm: a prototype that Atsuko had been working on for a while that she, somehow, had been talked into allowing Azami to try out as well. It had taken the twelve year old half the night to perfect the peculiar wrist flick required to bring one of the knives sliding out of the rig and into one's hand, and longer still to figure out how to do it without hurting herself.

With a final look-over to make sure all of her glistening new "friends" were secure, Azami straightened her shirt – black spandex with fishnet across the collar and sleeves – and tugged on her hoodie.

She wrapped some tape around her left leg and bound her standardized gear pack to her thigh, just for show, and, with a final look in the mirror, deemed herself ready to face anything Kakashi could throw at her.

Atsuko looked up from her tea with raised eyebrows when Azami strolled into the kitchen at four-thirty, dressed and alert. With barely a word, the younger sister walked to the pantry and pulled out one of the energy bars that Atsuko kept stocked for snacks. As if on second thought, she reached back in and pulled out three more, then lifted the hem of her hoodie and tucked the four treats securely under her belt.

"Thought you told me your new sensei said to skip breakfast," the brunette commented finally. Azami grinned over her shoulder.

"He did," she said brightly. "But I don't trust him, not as far as I could throw him. All through introductions yesterday he was playing mind games on us, first acting bored and lazy, then suddenly going into psycho mode and talking about passing and failing secret tests and stuff. He was messing with us the whole time, and then he tells us to come to a survival mission at five a.m. without eating first? It's downright fishy, and I'm not falling for it. So, I'm bringing along a little snack for myself – and the others, I guess, if they need them. Just in case."

The elder sister stared for a moment more, then shrugged and returned to her tea. "Way to beat the system, squirt," she said. Azami giggled.

/0/0/0/0/0/0/0/0/0/0/0/0/0/

By the time the other three prospect genin arrived at the training site, Azami was already there, racked out on the ground with her bag under her head, fast asleep.

"Azami, get up!" Sakura shrilled. "Our sensei's gonna be here any minute, do you want him to show up and think we're all slackers because you're taking a catnap?!"

"Hey, Sakura," Azami muttered from her comfortable patch of grass.

"What?" the rosette demanded.

"Shut up."

An hour later, Naruto had followed Azami's example and was dozing lightly, and even Sakura had sat down and was tapping her fingers impatiently. Sasuke, on the other hand, remained standing, unperturbed.

"Morning, everyone," a rather gloomy voice sounded out of nowhere. "Ready for your first day?" Azami, Naruto, and Sakura were on their feet in an instant, accusing fingers pointed at their white haired teacher. Well, at least, Naruto and Sakura were pointing at him. Azami, who was still disoriented with sleep deprivation, pointed somewhere off to his left.

"Hey, you're late!" they chorused angrily. Kakashi smiled and raised a hand as if to stave off the small angry mob of pre-teens before him.

"Well, a black cat crossed my path, so I had to take the long way," he lied. Blatantly.

The four genin growled, obviously not buying it. Kakashi cleared his throat.

"Well," he said, "let's get started." He walked to a stump and pulled an alarm clock out of his pack, setting it down and pushing the button on top. "Here we go. It's set for noon." The genin all raised their eyebrows in confusion. "Your assignment is very simple," Kakashi continued, pulling out three silver bells hung on red ribbons. "You just have to take these bells from me. That's all there is to it."

'_Bull,'_ Azami thought. _'This crazy old guy is up to something, I know it!'_

"If you can't get them before noon, you'll go without lunch," Naruto made a noise of protest, but Kakashi kept going. "You'll be tied to those posts and you'll watch while I eat my lunch in front of you."

Azami almost forgot to keep the expression of triumph off of her face, and replaced it quickly with one of total dismay identical to her teammates'.

"Wait a minute," Sakura piped up. "There's four of us. How come there's only three bells?" Kakashi smiled beneath his mask.

"Well that way, at least one of you will end up tied to a post and ultimately disqualified for failing to complete the mission." He jangled the bells tauntingly. "That one goes back to the academy. Then again, all four of you could flunk out too. You can use any weapons, including shuriken. If you aren't prepared to kill me you won't be able to take the bells."

"But those weapons are too dangerous, Sensei!" cried Sakura. Naruto laughed obnoxiously.

"Yeah, especially since you couldn't even dodge that eraser!"

"Class clowns," Kakashi drawled, "Are usually the weakest links. You can safely ignore them. Lowest scores. Losers." Naruto growled. "When I say start, you can begin."

But Naruto apparently didn't hear the last part: he was still on "losers." Before Kakashi could say anything else, the blond charged, teeth bared and kunai in hand.

None of them even saw the lanky jounin move. To the four genin, one moment Naruto was yelling and running, and the next, Kakashi was behind him, and the boy's own weapon was twisted around and poking the back of his head.

"Don't be in such a hurry," Kakashi said with a sort of forced calm. "I didn't say 'start' yet."

Azami's eyes narrowed; she relaxed the wrist that she had almost unconsciously cocked in preparation to shoot one of the new push-knives into her hand.

'_He's toying with us – no – not even toying! We don't stand a chance against this guy, even if it is just to snag some stupid bells! No matter what we do he'll always be five steps ahead. So what's his game…?'_

Kakashi let Naruto go. "But," the man added, "You came at me with the full intention of destroying me, so," he laughed slightly. "How can I say this? I'm actually starting to like you guys."

Naruto smirked, bruised dignity forgotten.

"Get ready," said Kakashi. "Aaaand…start!"

The four genin blurred away into hiding. Azami took up residence in a tree with a decent view of the clearing where Kakashi still stood. She didn't see where the others went. That is, until she saw Naruto leap back out of hiding and stand, bold as brass, right in front of Kakashi and loudly demand a rematch. She facepalmed.

'_You idiot, can't you take a hint?!'_

Kakashi was staring at the skinny preteen, apparently dumbfounded. "You know," he said slowly, "compared to the others, you're a little bit…weird."

"Oh yeah? The only thing weird here is your haircut!" Naruto shot back, before, for the second time that day, rushing the jounin.

Kakashi reached into his weapons pouch calmly and Naruto stopped short. "Shinobi battle techniques: part one," the lanky man said, with the air of one reciting from a textbook. "Taijutsu: the physical part."

Azami quirked an eyebrow. _'Taijustsu is supposed to be hand-to-hand combat, though. What's he getting a weapon for?'_

The jounin's hand jerked out of his pouch with blinding speed and expertly flipped to…a dogeared page in a bright orange book. Azami felt her face heat up. _'No…please no…it can't be…'_

"What are you waiting for?" Kakashi said, almost sarcastically. "Make your move."

"But – but – Why're you reading that book?!" Naruto shrieked.

"Why?" said the jounin as he raised the neon novel to his face. "To find out what happens in the story of course! Don't let it bother you. With your weak attack it doesn't really matter if I'm reading or – whatever."

As Naruto launched himself at Kakashi in a blind rage, emitting a savage battle cry, Azami was darting from tree to tree with growing panic, trying to get a better look at the sensei's book.

'_No way – you can't be serious – not him too – nonononononononooooo!!'_

And at last she got a clear view: a goofy picture of a scantily clad woman and buff man chasing each other around the gaudy title, and a red "cross-out" sign on the back.

'_WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS?! WHY, KAMI, WHYYYY?'_

While Azami suffered her mental breakdown, Naruto tried pointlessly to make it through Kakashi's defenses, only to have the man slip behind him, book clasped between fingers that were laced in the sign of the tiger.

'_Hold on a sec, that's dangerous!' _Azami thought wildly. She flicked her wrist back and a small gleaming dagger appeared in her hand. _'Not on __**my**__ buddy you don't, you smut-reading old pervert!'_

She drew back and flung the knife at Kakashi's upswept hair to get his attention, but it was too late.

"LEAF VILLAGE SECRET FINGER JUTSU!!" Naruto went flying, right into the pond, gripping his abruptly abused rear end in midair. "ONE THOUSAND YEARS OF _DEATH_!"

Azami was incensed. _'I just gave away my position for a __**poke in the ass?!**__ Damn it all, now I have to move again!'_

The dark haired girl was already moving as Kakashi bent to pick up the small knife from the grass. _'Figures that Atsuko would give her sister an edge. I wonder how many more of these things she's got on her?'_ he thought dryly. _'It could be that this kid just rides on her sister's back and doesn't have any talent of her own… but…nah, I don't think that's it. She's watching me – she's been watching me from the beginning. She's just waiting to make her move…so I won't have to worry about Azami for a while then…'_

Just as he finished this thought, two shuriken came zooming out of the water, aimed for his head. Kakashi caught both on his fingers without even looking. Naruto came clambering out of the water after the projectiles a minute later.

"What are you doing now?" Kakashi almost groaned. "You know you won't get lunch unless you take a bell by noon."

"I know I know, you told us already!" Naruto cried.

"You look pretty wobbly for someone who's going to surpass the Hokage."

Naruto's stomach growled. "You told us not to eat breakfast! How can I fight when I'm starving to death?!"

In her new hiding place (wedged between a rock and a shrub) Azami smirked and patted her belt. _'By beating the system, dude. By beating the system.'_

"So?!" Naruto protested. "You caught me off guard, that's all that it was!" the blond trailed off grumbling and glaring a hole through Kakashi's flak jacket. Behind him, the pond roiled, and suddenly half a dozen Narutos shot out of the water.

"You're overconfident, Sensei," crowed one of the Narutos. "That's why you weren't ready for a shadow clone attack, my best jutsu!"

'_Shadow clones,'_ thought Azami. _'Just like the other day. But where the hell did he…?'_

"It looks like the stories are true," Kakashi mused quietly. "He _can_ create shadow clones."

'_WHAT STORIES!?'_

"Great technique, but I don't think you can hold it for very long," Kakashi said cheerfully. The Narutos charged at him en masse. "You talk like you're the best, Naruto, but you're still the worst student. You can't beat me with this jutsu." Kakashi finished with a bored sort of warning in his voice, as if he already knew that Naruto wasn't going to listen and he was wasting his time. Which he did.

The soft tinkling of bells suddenly rang out from the clearing, and Azami felt her jaw drop. Yet another Naruto had actually snuck up on Kakashi and grabbed him from behind.

"Didn't you say don't let your enemies get behind you?" the Naruto clinging to Kakashi piggy-back cackled. "Good advice, Sensei. Believe it!" The other Narutos set about grabbing the jounin's arms and legs, trying to hold him down. "I had one of my clones come out of the river, then sneak up behind you super quiet!"

Another Naruto leapt into the air and aimed a screaming punch for Kakashi's face. "Now this is for nailing me in the butt earlier!!"

Azami watched the scene with a grinning gape. _'Well I don't know how he learned to make shadow clones, but he sure is good at using them! This is great!'_ without even thinking about it, the black haired girl blinked…and the smile slid off her face. Kakashi was gone. She didn't know how, but he was, and now one of the Narutos was in his place, getting the living daylights beat out of him. _'You moron, you fell for a substitution!' _Azami groaned mentally, while the troupe of orange ninjas attacked each other.

Eventually the squabbling clones figured out that if they undid the jutsu they could find the "real" Naruto and the "fake" Naruto who wasn't actually there. And thus was Naruto left standing alone in a cloud of smoke. The boy sighed gloomily.

Suddenly, something seemed to catch his eye, and he peered closely at the base of a nearby tree. "Huh?" he muttered. His face lit up. "A _BELL?!_"

'_UH-OH…'_

Naruto's expression turned smug. "I must've got to him with my attack!" he crowed, running towards the shiny object in the grass. "_He dropped a bell!_"

"**NARUTO, YOU IDIOT, STOP!**" Azami bellowed. She launched herself from her hiding place, and Naruto looked up, perplexed, his hand just inches from the bell. Time seemed to slow, and as Naruto's fingers brushed the bell, Azami's latched onto the back of his jacket.

Naruto wailed as he bounced and shook like a birthday piñata, and the motion caused Azami, who was screeching something along the lines of "_**YOU MORON, WHY DIDN'T YOU LISTEN TO ME?!**_" to lose her grip and fall seven feet to the ground, on her ass, in the dirt. By the time she realized that she was in a perfect position to take the bell, Kakashi had already emerged from hiding and plucked it out from under her nose.

"_Think_ before you use a jutsu," the jounin sighed, exasperated. "Or else your opponent will use it against you. Oh, and also: if the bait is _obvious_, don't take it."

Naruto snarled and gave a scream of rage. For the fifth time that day, the blond started trying to charge at Kakashi in rage. However, charging is rather difficult to pull off when one's ankles are looped with rope and suspending one's body seven feet off the ground, so any defense on Kakashi's part was unneeded.

"A ninja must see through deception." He lectured.

"_**RRRRRRGH!**_ _**I – GET – IT - !!**_" Naruto screamed.

"I'm telling you this because you _don't _get it. You _think_ you get it, which is not the same as actually getting it. Get it? Won't you ever – ARGH!"

Several shuriken blasted out of nowhere and hit the jounin from the side, throwing him to the ground.

"Are you out of your mind, Sasuke?!" Naruto yelled. "You went too far!"

"Are you _insane?!_" Shrieked Azami, who had been sitting on the ground nursing her bruised tailbone all through Kakashi's lecture, and was now skittering backwards. "You almost hit _me!!_"

(A/N): I won't be able to write, let alone update for a while, becase I'm going on a road trip for a few weeks soon. So in the meantime, please please _please_ review!!


	5. You failed! Except not really

Disclaimer: you know, now that I think about it, if I owned it, I probably _would _write fanfics about it. Go shallow people!

(A/N): Will Naruto ever actually think one of Kakashi's traps through? Will Sakura do something useful? Will Sasuke make a facial expression? WILL AZAMI EVER GET TO EAT HER BREAKFAST BARS?! Read and find out! And after that, please review. Alerts are all well and good, guys, but seriously; my self esteem needs a pat on the head!

Review Replies:

Nekotama: "you must beat me…IN DDR!!!!!"

Howler123: thanks to you for putting me on alerts :)

* * *

Kakashi's falling body suddenly erupted in a cloud of smoke, and in his place there was now…a log. A log which fell to the ground with an anticlimactic thunk, peppered with all of Sasuke's shuriken. The stringy jounin had escaped again.

There was a barely audible rustle of leaves as Sasuke took off to find a new position, and another a second later: Sakura taking off to find him before Kakashi did. Azami stood up and massaged her butt, groaning.

"You alright, Naruto?" she called up to the dangling idiot.

"Yeah, yeah, I'm fine," the blond grumped.

Azami pulled a kunai out of her weapon pouch and twirled it idly around one finger. "Need some help?" Naruto looked up – or rather – down at her, eyebrows raised towards the ground.

"Naw," he said with a cheesy grin. "You go on ahead and try to snag a bell; I can get down juuuust fine!"

Azami was skeptical. "If you say so," she muttered. Just then, a high pitched wail sounded from the trees, sending birds scattering from the canopy. "That was Sakura," the black haired girl muttered.

"What?! Sakura! On, no, I have to help her!" Naruto cried, swinging about again in a desperate bid for freedom.

"Chill out!" Azami snapped. "I'm sure Sensei wouldn't really hurt her. You just get loose; I'm gonna go see what happened!" The black haired girl pelted off into the trees, following Sakura's scream. Naruto Sighed.

"_A ninja must see through deception…_" he mimicked irritably. "Yeah, yeah, how am I supposed to do that?" he growled and pulled out a Kunai, doubling upwards to cut the rope binding his ankles. "Well I'm sure not falling for any more of his traps!" He somersaulted to the ground and emitted a smug little cackle – until another rope shot out of nowhere and strung him up right back up like underwear on a flagpole. "_I fell for it again!!!_" he nearly sobbed.

* * *

Azami found Sakura standing in the middle of a field, gripping at her hair and appearing to be on the verge of a total breakdown. The other girl's face suddenly lit up with glee and she turned, staring at a tree with slavish adoration in her eyes and a delighted cry of "_Sasuke!!_"

Azami blinked in confusion, and glanced off to the other side of her stand of trees, where Sasuke was crouched and waiting. What was Sakura on about? She was facing the completely opposite direction. The rosette's expression shifted rapidly to one of absolute mortification, and she let out a terrified howl and promptly toppled over in a dead faint.

"What the hell…?" Azami muttered under her breath. Her stomach gave a soft rumble and she grinned to herself in triumph. A thin hand silently lifted the hem of her hoodie and slipped beneath her belt, removing a slightly smushed energy bar with a soft crinkle of plastic.

But a soft crinkle was more than enough for Hatake Kakashi.

'_So that's where she is,'_ he mused to himself. _'I'll keep that in mind. She can't hide forever…though somehow I get the feeling she's going to try.'_ He leaned against a tree on the edge of a clearing and sighed, raising his book to his face. The blue-clad figure in the clearing suddenly tensed. _'Ah! Looks like he's finally noticed me!'_

"Shinobi battle skill number two: the illusion jutsu. Sakura studied it in class, but she still couldn't see it coming."

'_Aha,'_ thought Azami, slipping the foil wrapping carefully down the snack. _'Well, that answers my question…'_

"I'm not like Sakura and Naruto," Sasuke grunted, mostly to himself, as though finishing a thought. Kakashi chortled from his spot behind the boy, leaning against a tree with his nose in his porno.

"Say that…_after_ you get one of these bells, _My Sasuke,_" he advised mockingly. The Jounin lazily approached his student, and Sasuke turned to face him.

For a moment they stood there, Sasuke glaring and Kakashi reading. It struck Azami exactly how much smaller Sasuke, the almighty Uchiha Sasuke, the legendary antisocial prodigy was when compared to the bored, lanky man he was facing. _'This is so rigged,'_ she thought bitterly. _'None of us can beat him, who are we kidding? If it weren't for the exclusionary tactic with the bells, we might have been able to work together, but – '_

Before Azami could finish the thought, Sasuke's hand flashed into his weapon pouch and hurled several weapons at Kakashi. The Jounin dodged easily.

"There's no point using normal attacks," he taunted. Sasuke smirked and let fly a single kunai, cutting a rope that had been hidden in the bushes. Kakashi dodged the flurry of weapons that shot his way and buried themselves harmlessly into a tree.

And in a flicker of color, the boy was behind him, aiming a kick at his head. Kakashi caught the bandaged ankle, only to feel Sasuke shift his weight and twist upwards to throw a punch at his face. Kakashi caught the fist as well, and once more Sasuke changed his momentum to flip upside down in the man's grasp and kick again, a distraction for the free hand that shot forward and tapped a bell.

Kakashi released the boy and skidded backwards, leaving Sasuke to land catlike on all fours. Azami sat on her tree branch, energy bar hovering inches away from her gaping mouth. Despite herself, she had actually found herself rooting for Sasuke as his hand grabbed at the bells – the enemy of her enemy was her friend, after all. Or at least slightly less despised acquaintance.

Suddenly, in the adjacent clearing: "Sasuke no!" Azami looked over her shoulder at Sakura who was once more on her feet. "You've got to survive, please!"

'_Please don't tell me she still thinks that was real…?'_

"Where _are_ you?!"

'_That's a yes. Not that I can talk, I haven't done much of anything; but at least I'm not stupid enough to fall for a bogus trick like that.'_

A tremendous FWOOOM! From Sasuke's clearing attracted the twelve year old's attention to the giant ball of flames that the boy seemed to be blowing out like some kind of angsty, emotionally stunted dragon.

"What the _shit?_" Azami hissed to herself as the flames died out, revealing a huge charred crater where Kakashi had been minutes before. _'Don't tell me Sasuke torched the guy to ash!' _She thought frantically. _'If any of us passes, we still need a teacher, dammit! You can't just go around combusting Jounin, Pinfeathers!'_ She leaned forward and squinted at the smoking ground. _'Hold up…I don't think he's in there. Good, for a minute there I thought our team was gonna have to face murder charges.'_

Sasuke's head twisted every which-way, hunting for his escaped teacher.

"Where?" Kakashi's disembodied voice sounded from nowhere as if reading the boy's thoughts, just before a hand punched through the ground beneath Sasuke's feet and latched around his ankle like something out of a zombie movie. "I'm where you least expect me!"

"WAUGH!" Sasuke yowled as he was yanked underground, his head sticking out like a very startled plant.

Kakashi squatted in front of him with a smug little grin. "…Right under your feet. Earth Style, Headhunter Jutsu." Sasuke growled furiously. "Can't move, huh? Kakashi drawled. "That was Ninjustsu, the third shinobi battle skill. You have talent, and you are right: you are…different from the others. But different isn't always better. They say the nail that sticks up is the one that gets hammered down."

Azami choked on her breakfast bar laughing and had to work quickly to stifle the sudden coughing fit. That is, until she felt a solid, helpful thump on her back.

"I had a feeling you wouldn't fall for the 'no breakfast' thing," a voice said brightly from behind her. Azami whirled around to see Kakashi crouching on the tree branch behind her. The Jounin raised one hand in greeting. "Hi there!"

Azami launched herself out of the tree and into the clearing, just missing Sasuke's head. Kakashi was right behind her, book in hand. The twelve year old skidded across the ground and quickly twitched her wrists, calling up a pair of knives. The instant the Jounin was in range, Azami slashed, immediately going for the offensive, knowing it wouldn't last. She hoped she could slip through Kakashi's defenses before he pulled any stupid shit on her and snatch a bell. Still darting after the Jounin with her knives, the girl reviewed everything she had discerned from watching Kakashi.

He was sneaky, always creating loopholes and traps that he knew they would overlook. He was also cocky – they were rookie genin, he didn't even need a fraction of his power to run them into the ground. Anything remotely fancy he had used thus far had probably been flashy overkill. So in order to one-up him, she was going to need to analyze _everything_, think around him, keep on her toes, and pull something unexpected herself.

Hmmmmmm…

What to do? How to throw him off?

Well, he'd obviously be putting extra guard around those damn bells, so the answer was pretty simple. Don't go for the bells. And then…figure it out from there.

She was so screwed. So what _should _she go for?

'_The book! I'll get his precious book! Hahaha!'_

That actually wasn't a bad idea. She was already pretty sure she couldn't beat him, and was at this point quite positive that some new development was going to surface after the hour was up – some new test or trap that she had yet to foresee. So in the meantime, she may as well mess with the sensei himself.

With this new (half-baked) plan of action in mind, the girl leapt back from Kakashi with a half crazed grin on her face. She grabbed the tab of her hoodie zipper and wrenched it down, and rapidly shed the cumbersome garment. The look on what little she could see of Kakashi's face when he saw the full extent of her knife set was well worth the risk of leaving herself exposed while revealing it.

"C'mon, Sensei, don't look so surprised!" she cackled gleefully. "My sister runs the Armory, of course I can score stuff like this!"

Kakashi's combined shock and horror, however, weren't grounded in _how_ the girl had managed to obtain so much destructive hardware, but rather in _why_ anybody would think that giving a twelve year old rookie genin with a prominent sadistic streak said destructive hardware was a good idea.

He didn't know Atsuko all that well, but she had never come across as quite this unhinged whenever they'd had occasion to speak.

The heavily armed girl let fly the two knives in her hands and jettisoned after them, pulling two new weapons from her belt in the process. Kakashi dodged easily, but the kid kept on him, struggling to maintain to offensive. The jounin was not particularly worried about suffering any injuries at the hands of a little kid (albeit a kid with a vast multitude of daggers on hand), and so focused his defenses around the bells at his waist. Fairly sure that he had the girl at bay, Kakashi returned his gaze to his book – until a glittering metal point severed the sentence he had left off on right down the middle.

'_What the -- ?'_ Kakashi thought, already processing this new course of action. Azami had just stabbed his book; she hadn't even_ tried_ for the bells, not even made an effort to injure him – she had deliberately gone straight for the book.

What was more, the little brat was smirking at him in triumph from under that stupid beanie of hers, snakelike eyes glinting with a kind of sick glee. With a sweep of her arm, the girl wrenched Kakashi's book from his hand and up in the air, where it flew off the tip of her knife and soared in an arc to land, pages down, in a crumpled little tent in the dirt.

Retaliation was swift and merciless.

* * *

Azami didn't remember being knocked out, but she found herself coming too with an overpowering accompaniment of pain. Her entire midsection felt smushed, her head was pounding, and her spine didn't feel like it was in quite the right spot. Much of this, she discovered as the fog slowly lifted from her brain, had to do with the fact that she was tied to a post.

'_Wha…? Oh wait – dammit!'_

The deduction of what must have happened snapped the girl fully out of it; her head blurred as she twisted to asses the situation. Naruto was to her right, also tethered to a post and looking distinctly unhappy. Sakura sat in the dirt between them, eyes slightly unfocused and apparently in a daze. Sasuke sat on Naruto's other side, coated in dirt from the neck down and brooding even harder than usual. All three of their stomachs were pitching a fit. Azami discreetly pressed against the ropes around her midsection, using the pressure to check if her remaining breakfast bars were still there. She was relieved to find they were, if a little bent out of shape.

"Well look who's up!" Kakashi said, his mock cheerful tone taking on a noticeably more abrasive edge over the perpetually evident boredom. Azami grudgingly puffed a strand of hair out of her face in response. Naruto, Sakura, and Sasuke's stomachs all set up to another chorus of begging. "Uh-oh, stomach's growling, huh?" Kakashi deadpanned. "That's too bad."

He was met with four disgruntled glowers.

"Oh, by the way, about this exercise? Well, I've decided: I won't send _any_ of you back to the academy!"

Azami immediately stamped the hope that swelled behind her (rather constricted) ribcage into the dirt. _'This is bad, he sounds more sadistic than usual – he's still playing with us!'_ Unfortunately for the other three, they weren't so used to Jounin and their traps.

"What? I passed?" Sakura said. "All I did was faint and fall over. Do ya get points for that?"

Sasuke grunted in satisfaction. Naruto flailed his legs in a substitute for his usual victorious hopping around as Sakura leapt up and began celebrating. "Then, then, that means all four of us – I mean all four of us -- !" the blond cried.

"Yes, all four of you…are being dropped from the program – _**permanently!**_"

'_Oh, son of a bitch!'_

"Drop us from the program?!" Naruto raged. "But that means we can _never_ become ninja! You said if we couldn't take the bells we'd be sent back to the academy! YOU CAN'T JUST CHANGE YOUR MIND AND KICK US OUT, WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?!"

"Because you don't think like ninja, you think like little kids," _Kakashi_ said calmly. "Like _brats_" he corrected himself. Sasuke launched himself at Kakashi with a snarl and wound up pinned on his stomach with Kakashi sitting on him.

"Wha - ?" Naruto yelled, in unison with Sakura's concerned cry and Azami's incredulous "_What_ are you _doing_?!"

"You think it's all about _you_," Kakashi berated from his position on top of the boy.

"_**LET GO OF SASKUE, YOU CAN'T STEP ON HIM LIKE HE'S SOME BUG!"**_ Sakura shrieked.

"Apparently he can, Sakura," Azami grunted.

"_You_ don't know what it means to be a ninja. You think it's a game, huh?" the jounin snapped. Sakura quailed. "_Why_ do you think we put you on squads, did you consider _that_ question for one moment?"

Azami facepalmed mentally. _'How did I not catch that?!'_

"I – I don't know what you mean," Sakura stammered.

"_I mean:_ you never realized what this exercise is all about! Not even close."

"What it's about?" Naruto asked, looking slightly constipated.

"_Yes._ That's what determines whether you pass or fail."

"That's," Sakura whimpered, "I mean, I wanted to ask you about that from the beginning!"

"Tch. Use your head! _Four people on this squad._ _Why _do you _think_ we would do that?"

"Teamwork," Azami groaned, beating her head back against the post.

"Wait, teamwork? What do you mean?" Sakura said, looking at the other girl.

"Don't you get it? He tricked us; we were supposed to work together."

"Exactly," Kakashi said, his one eye flashing. "It's too late _now_, but if _all four of you_ had come at me, you _might _have been able to take them. Well, anyway, it's over."

"You set it up with four people but only three bells!" Sakura protested. "if we worked together and got the bells only three of us would be able to keep them and that would lead to group conflict and the squad would break up!"

"He did it to throw us off," Azami supplied. "It would've been too easy for us to work together if it meant all of us got a bell. But we hate each other enough as it is, so all _that_ succeeded in was throwing a wrench into an already malfunctioning machine."

"And if you thought like ninja, you would have been able to put that all behind you and put the squad first. A genin should have a natural feel for teamwork. But you…it never even crossed your mind! Sakura!"

The rosette jumped. "You obsessed over Sasuke who was gone, while Naruto was right in front of you and you wouldn't lift a finger to help him! Naruto! You do everything on your own – _everything!_ Azami, you just sat back and let the others get beat down, _using_ them to assess my abilities! And _you_, Sasuke, thought the others were so far beneath you they were worthless! Arrogance! Ninja missions are carried out in squads! Of course, you need individual skills, but teamwork is the most essential element.

"Every shinobi understands this. When individuals put themselves above the squad, this can lead to failure and _death._" He reached into his weapon pack. "For example: Sakura!" he held a kunai to Sasuke's throat. "Kill Naruto now or Sasuke dies!" Naruto flipped out; Sakura looked slightly nauseous. "That's what happens on a mission." The knife was removed, and Sasuke looked slightly relieved.

"oh, boy, that was really scary," Sakura breathed.

Kakashi twirled the kunai around one finger. "The enemy takes a hostage and you've got an impossible choice; and someone ends up dead. On every mission your life is on the line." The jounin got off of Sasuke and walked towards the polished black rock in the center of the clearing. "Did you look at this stone? The names engraved on it? They are all ninja who are honored as heroes in our village."

"That's it that's it that's it!" Naruto cried, ruining the moment. "Now I know! I've decided I'm gonna have my name engraved on that stone! I'm not gonna live and die fro nothing like a dog! I'm gonna be a hero! A _hero_!"

"They are…a special kind of hero," Kakashi said slowly.

"Hu? What kind of heroes are they? C'mon, tell us!" Kakashi turned away from them and was silent. "Well, well?!"

"They're all KIA." Kakashi said at last.

"Ooooh! That sounds real cool!"

"It means killed in action – they all died," said Sakura.

Naruto looked extremely awkward. "This is a memorial stone," said Kakashi softly. "The names of my closest friends are engraved here."

Azami stared at the red swirl on the back of Kakashi's vest. If she lost Naruto, if he was killed…or even Sasuke or Sakura, she hated them, but not that much…she couldn't even imagine…

"Alright," said Kakashi, looking back at them. "I'm going to give you one more chance. But I'm going to make it much harder on you. You're going to have three hours to get a bell. Eat lunch now to build up strength. _But – _Naruto and Azami don't get any."

The two growled. "It's your punishment for breaking the rules and trying to eat by yourselves. Oh, and Azami, I'm going to need those other three energy bars in your belt."

"Wha – how did you – ?!" The jounin cracked a smile under his mask and extracted the smushed food.

"Hey, where do you get off cheating and bringing food to the test?!" Sakura cried.

"You had those the _entire time_?" Sasuke snarled incredulously, composure momentarily forgotten.

"Hey, hey, Azami, how'd you know him telling us not to eat breakfast was a trap?" wailed Naruto.

Azami puffed her bangs once again from her face. "To the first, I was _planning_ to give them to you guys, but we all scattered too fast after I had confirmation that he _was_ tricking us to share them. To the second, yeah, the whole day, and to the third, my sister pulls this kind of thing on me all the time; I've learned not to trust Jounin, okay?"

"Well, it was a nice sentiment Azami, but it's useless now," Kakashi said, patting the girl's beanie. Azami growled at him. "Oh, by the way, if anyone tries to feed either of you, that person will immediately fail.

"I make the rules. You follow them. Got it?"

Several minutes later, Naruto was completely engaged in a futile attempt to convince himself that he wasn't hungry.

"This is no big deal; I can go without eating for days, for weeks, believe it! This is _no big deal!_" The sentence was punctuated by a pitiful, begging moan from his stomach. Sasuke paused eating and sighed.

"Here," he said irritably, holding his bento out for Naruto.

"What?" Sakura said, looking around covertly. "No, Sasuke, you can't do that! You heard what the sensei said!"

"Kakashi's gone," muttered Sasuke. "We need to get those bells as a team. If Naruto and Azami are hungry they'll be weak and ineffective. That hurts the team and jeopardizes the mission."

"Actually, I'm good," said Azami. "I managed to get one of those breakfast bars down before Kakashi got me, so I'm not all that hungry."

Sakura looked at her bento with a conflicted face, then suddenly held it out to Azami. "One energy bar isn't enough to get you through the day. Here, have some of mine."

"No, seriously, Naruto needs it more, Sakura, I'll be fine!"

"Well, alright, if you're sure…"

"Azami can have a few bites of mine," Sasuke interjected. "Sakura's right, you can't get through a battle running on just an energy bar. You did just eat though, so I'll just give you some of my rice. Sakura, you share half you lunch with Naruto since he needs it more, and then you and I can split what's left of both out lunches between us. That way, everyone's got enough energy for a fight."

"Yeah, alright."

"That works."

"Fine by me."

"Wait, but Azami and me can't eat with our hands tied like this!" Naruto cried, waving his ineffective hands around as proof. "You guys are gonna have to feed us!" Naruto looked happy at the prospect of being fed by Sakura, but nobody else looked particularly happy about it. Sakura flew into a rage.

"RRRRGH! This is one time only! That's it! I'll never do this again, is that clear?!"

"Clear as a bell, Sakura!" Naruto joked.

Sasuke sighed in defeat, grabbed a bit of rice with his chopsticks and held them up to Azami. The girl inspected the food skeptically.

"Anybody ever finds out about this, Uchiha, you're dead," she hissed.

"Hurry _up_, he could come back and minute," Sasuke hissed back. Azami rolled her eyes and quickly snapped up the white grains.

And the field exploded.

"_**YOOOOOOU!!!!"**_

"YAAAH!" Azami screamed.

"You broke the rules," Kakashi roared, "I hope you're ready for the punishment!" His hands flickered together and storm clouds gathered overhead. "Any last words?"

"But you said…" Naruto forced out through chattering teeth.

"Yes?" prompted Kakashi.

"You said there were four of us! That's what you said and that's why…Sakura…and…"

"We're all on this squad and we're all in it together!" interrupted Sasuke.

"Yeah, that's right!" Sakura piped up. "We gave our lunch to them because the four of us are one!"

"Yeah! We were working together!" Azami cried.

"Yeahyeahyeahyeah!" Naruto wailed. "Believe it! That's right!"

"_**The four of you are one?**_ That's your excuse?" Kakashi said, looming. He eye curved up in a smile. "Heh. You pass."

"Huh?"

"Huh?"

"Wait, what?"

"You. Pass."

"What do you mean? How'd we pass?" asked Sakura.

"You're the first squad that ever succeeded. All the others did exactly what I said and fell into every trap. They couldn't think for themselves. A ninja must see through deception. In the ninja world, those who break the rules are scum. That's true. But, those who abandon their friends are worse than scum."

The four kids stared up at Kakashi, all happy grins and disbelief. "The exercise is over. Squad seven starts it's first mission tomorrow!"

"YES!" Sakura whooped.

Sasuke sat still with his eyes closed and his face concentrated. Naruto flailed against the ropes and cheered: "Yeah, I did it, I'm a ninja ninja NINJA!" Azami pumped a fist as far as she could and squirmed in a little victory dance.

"Let's go home," said Kakashi. Sasuke and Sakura followed him. Naruto kicked and struggled in fury.

"I kneow they'd do this, it happens every time, believe it! HEY! YOU GUYS FORGOT TO UNTIE US!!!!"

Azami slumped against her post. "Give it up, man, they'll realize they left us eventually. I hope…"

…

"So, you never did tell me how you graduated…"

"Oh, yeah, that. Well, long story…"

"We've got time," Azami jerked her head after their team's retreating backs.

"Yeah, good point. Alright, you're not gonna believe this!"

"Try me."

* * *

(A/N): I…have no excuse. I'm slow, and lazy, and shit came up, and plotbunnies struck, and…yeah. But it's out now! Hooray!


End file.
